Cosmic Clau

If Kevin has put any tarantulas in the stairwell, we want them removed, IMMEDIATELY! If for any reason paint cans were hung from ropes, the consequences to Kevin will be at a level never seen before. If, on the other hand, he removes all hot doorknobs, it will be a giant step in the right direction!

Nice

Fine, keep one leg out of the covers while you sleep. Just don’t come hopping to me after a monster bites it off.

The Dog Drank my Tea - memoir out soon.

Body: we’re a morning person now

Brain: the fuck we are

Be the first to repost, go on live a little.

Being nervous is just your body’s way of throwing a surprise party for your brain, and your brain forgot to buy a gift.

All I'm asking for is jokes which don't require me to be under 40 and don't require me to watch the news

a white kitty looking at a drawn monitor and being frightened

let me just check the news real quick and see what’s going o… oh dear god

🎵 Hold me closer raccoon chauffeur
Count the headlights on the highway 🎵

all of my post now contain protein so the tears can be even stronger

Gumby is taking ice cream into the fun Egyptian religion experience. Little does he know that Ra is lactose intolerant. Let’s watch the fun begin…

I am going to do some screaming now. Join in if you can.

just singing to the siding 🤣

It is a lovely gesture

I loved Cheers, but the thought of a bar where everyone knows my name always terrified me.

hey, quick question - what the fuck?

Desperately trying to think of something other than what the fuck is happening everyday.

Weather’s nice so I don’t need my toque to walk the dog, which means my neighbour’s are about to be reminded of how shaggy I let my hair get in winter.

Aww that's sweet 🥰

the cuteness and joy ✨

this cannot continue A white kitten with an intense scowl on its face

skrillex dick
prodigy dick
tiësto dick
fatboy slimdick

whale names.

THE AUDIENCE: We really love this one guy.

THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY: Too bad, here's this other guy. And we're putting him in everything until you like him.

i wish bears could drive i’d really like to be driven around by a bear

We don’t talk enough about Norman Bate’s prowess with a mop. That fellow could clean a floor

i changed my pinned post!

𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ'𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

USDA official: you don’t qualify for food stamps

me: oh, snap

USDA official: you can’t get SNAP, either

me: what

“So many thoughts, you should post one” is what it says at the bottom of drafts 😡

stfu, drafts 😡

I wish my life was as mysterious as one shoe on the side of the highway.