I used to think I was bad at everything, but then I got really good at admitting I was bad at everything. Now I’m working on being bad at admitting I’m bad at everything. Full circle, baby. We’re healing!
Mercury is in retrograde which explains why I’ve been a mess for the past eleven consecutive years.
Wuthering Heights is a love story the same way a house fire is a housewarming.
A escape room but it’s just my lease.
My horoscope today: "Don't."
Storage units are where we put the things we bought to fill the void. The void is still there. But now it has furniture.
Read a book called Atomic Habits. Now I have atomic habits. I cannot stop. The habits are destroying me. They are very small and very powerful.
From entrance to an apartment complex in Chicago.
Christopher Colon
Who wore it better?
Benefits with friends
Screenshot from King of the Hill Season 1, Episode 5
ME: oh, you just let everyone touch you, don’t you? some of us have standards, you know
GRASS:
Every 45 seconds, someone who is me checks if the refrigerator has developed new food since the last time.
If I were “rich”, I’d be considered “eccentric” and not a “dirtbag” who uses “air quotes”
“Not everything has to be transactional,” I explain to my golden retriever
Just saw a “No Standing” sign and I’ve been lying on the sidewalk for four hours.
I consider myself a man of many ambition.
Sometimes I add “per my last email” to prayers.
I enjoy parties conceptually.
Logging into the website to confront my enemies but it’s just my bank account again.
can you imagine the first fucker to ever eat crackers and cheese
It’s so windy today a Kansas farmhouse just fell on my mother-in-law.
Honestly, when I come back as a ghost I’m probably just gonna mess with your audio settings
Her: Where were you last night
Me: The Dow is over 50,000
Her: Do I smell bourbon
Me: Iran is about to be bombed
Her: Is that lipstick on your collar
Me: Aliens are real!
you guys would be hella surprised how inarticulate I am in person
One notification per customer please
Fight Club aged like fine wine if the wine was made of regret and IKEA furniture. I still quote it, but now it’s mostly about how I can’t afford the furniture anymore.
I love preparing for the next day in theory. In practice I prefer raw panic.
Young Anton Chekhov, the playwright, looking super hot in his 20s
Wait, THIS is young Anton Chekhov? This? Good lord. Let that gun go off, daddy
Elon Musk will sit for a deposition regarding DOGE’s gutting of USAID.
Multiple reports estimate that his dismantling of the foreign aid agency directly contributed to thousands of deaths around the world.
And that’s just one piece of damage DOGE left behind. Watch.
American Psycho predicted LinkedIn.
