jordan [ham]

I Tried to Make a Joke But Realized It Will Be Misinterpreted: An Autobiography

she has allergies to poultry so it’s like a fish factory over here 🫣

tinker taylor soldier swift

I'm a QA engineer who has been laid off and unable to find work since February of last year, and it would be impossible to overstate how much this trend makes my blood boil

someone has to start paying the bills 🐈‍⬛

so I love documenting my life. catch me now back on instagram sharing this fun, along with leftist news and queer femme rage in my stories. same name nursemurderer @ diff place!

I live in the state of California, he's my governor, I voted for him in 2018, and he's the worst piece of trash imaginable.

He hates the trans community, he's criminalized being homeless in a state where hardworking people are one missed paycheck from the street. He had Bannon on his podcast

i get my best ideas when you’re in the shower

I am going to do some screaming now. Join in if you can.

Do you think that before we had houses, they called them cave flies?

Have the kind of sex where you have to buy a new house.

told a friend I was getting my hip replaced for my 47th bday and she said, “I didn’t know 47 was titanium!” as if this is a thing like at 46 you get china and 48 is paper.

the comments on a video of the missile hitting israel gives me hope. is the missile okay? is prob my fav reply ever.

when is another country gonna start bombing us because of our horrible leader

absolutely not

chasing the high my cats get when I open the windows

don’t forget to love fearlessly you piece of shit

my ventriloquism act is finally ready for the radio

If you look in the mirror and say "soy boy" 3 times, I'll appear and knock your fucking teeth out.

The Department of Defense became The Department of War until it was actually time for war just like I was CEO Boss Lady Powerful Woman until it was time to do tough employee reviews and then I was just baby angel

life’s too short not to spend a little time harmonizing with other humans

the heart is a lumpy lopsided fist of a muscle yet I have resisted the urge to hit you with it you're welcome

I just want to be rich enough to donate a bench to a zoo

YOU DID IT!! YOU SAVED HIM!!! LETS GOOOOOOOO

had to put my readers on to read a message from a 25 year old buck trying to tell me he will make me happier than a man my age and as I adjust the temp on my heated blanket, with the ac on full blast, I laugh in old lady.

a gmc commercial said don’t stop til you have everything. that’s like my former job said in a meeting the new motto was “don’t stop at no” I reported as the worst idea on tik tok and it went mini viral then they changed their motto and sent an apology email so like if I could do that whats up at gmc

I think the first words I would say coming out of a coma would be, “no please not this again.”

i’ve never met a squirrel I didn’t want to start a business with

I’m at the age where I look at old pictures of me to see if that mole always looked like this.

On a scale of one to Molly Ringwald’s prom dress, how disappointed were you?

today's workout brought to you by: it is hot as hell in la this week so sweating at the pool is the new march look, remembering when I used to share cardi via snapchat when she was on love & hip hop and none of those fools knew who she was about to be