Blather Wince Repeat

This happy boy got adopted!

Disappointed that Britney Spears hasn't got a sister called asparagus

Our neighbors across the pond say ‘maths’ instead of math.
How crazy is thats?

A young woman on a podcast today tried to tactfully describe the special quality of her friend's beauty and said she was voluptuous only she unironically mispronounced it "vo-LUMP-tu-ous." They seemed happy and never missed a beat so god bless.

(drifting off to sleep)

I bet living in a big strawberry isn't as great as it seems.

Any meal is a square meal as long as it comes with four sides.

🤣🤣

Gang, today is the day you do an interpretive dance to Helen Reddy’s I Am Woman for all the amazing women in your life. Then ask them what’s for supper

This evening's thought to ponder from Maggies Farm. #MaggiesFarm

Haven't been able to relax since they said the moon relaxing was fake. How could a conspiracy theory land on me like that, all I did was watch the tides get off work

A yellow excavator next to a big pile of rubble in a street. There's only a small section that's not yet been demolished, and this includes a large Hardee's advertising sign with a smaller messageboard below it that reads: "CLOSED"

Oh, no! It's closed!

The little community Cape Cod radio station I listen to has gone silent for the last 5 minutes and I am left to assume a monster bent on our destruction has risen from the briny deep or the dj locked herself out of the studio after she’d gone to squeeze a grumpy

Seeking to found a new profession, I am hanging out my shingle as an apath.

I understand that, when my dog stops on our walks to sniff every goddamn twig and each freakin’ blade of grass, she is decoding, deciphering, and analyzing the complicated world around her, but what I can’t quite figure out is exactly what she plans on doing with that information.

Your toilet is just ceramics. You're taking a crap on a big white flower pot.

Whereas citing Schlësinger’s Carp allows you to just make shit up.

there's so much bad in the world but there's also people who lift up and carry an elderly bat around every day so he can pretend he's flying again, and that's the part of the world I think is worth fighting for

Things that are tougher than Markwayne Mullin:
-the oil stain on my driveway
-an Amish clothespin
-my deceased grandmother’s bursitis
-this bagel I’m eatin
-a single scale from the wing of a monarch butterfly bound for a forest in Mexico
-fiestaware

Just stopping by to say that gas has gone up $.70 in less than a week….. 🙃

It took me a long time to start listening to Jimi Hendrix because I could only find recordings by The Jimi Hendrix Experience and who wants to listen to a cover band

Oh, hey, look at Jesus in his Crocs, hanging above the altar for all to bask in his comfortable glory.

I vaguely remember the Paul McCartney is dead rumors. But everybody knows he really died after he formed Wings.

Mayo logs best-ever $1.47B in earnings

Cheese logs, fine. Mayo logs are just gross. I don’t care how much they earn.

Woke up with the phrase ‘Will Arnett’s Celebrity Pajama Party’ in my head. Is that a thing? Should it be?

Tank you!

[David Attenborough holding me in a headlock] Stop calling tiger sharks sea raccoons

The birthday song is not something to enjoy but rather a thing to be endured with the promise of cake and presents at its conclusion.

could be a nothing burger...but it could also be an everything bagel