stefan

hey chat settle an argument between me and the old sea witch i'm currently staying with: am i ever escaping her watery prison?

many don’t know that the phrase “have a good one” is referring to a hot dog

Thank you for always having my back

- me, to a monkey

There should be a tea shop called Mister Tea. It could be next to a gas station called I Pity The Fuel

And the Oscar* for best boy goes to... my dog Chico! Who's the best boy? You are, yes you are!

* Oscar Mayer wiener

It is a burden to be filled with such whimsy, such love for small creatures, and such an artistic melancholy but someone has to do it

forgot i have social anxiety but dont worry i rediscovered it in an elevator full of strangers

Thanks for the sincere answer to my joke rhetorical question, I could have googled it if I really wanted the answer.

Going to write a book about how I have survived risky situations and making poor decisions by sheer luck and obliviousness called “How to Mr. Magoo Your Way Through Life.”

If the clown shoe fits...

The leading psychological research shows that there’s no link between antisocial behavior and video games, but that seems contrary to my own experience of playing Katamari Damacy and having to fight the constant impulses to roll myself up into a ball.

I bet the person who coined the term 'yacht rock' meant it pejoratively and is annoyed that fans actually liked and embraced it.

Watergate I or Watergate II?

Crazy how Panda Express miraculously cured white people's allergy to MSG overnight

Call me an optimist, but I think there are two types of people: goofballs and unrealized goofballs.

I’m at the fascist state. I’m at the theocracy. I’m at the combination fasho theocratic state.

you know what, go ahead and put in the newspaper that i got mad

In my day we called them Booty Calls

A thing that I have discovered that you don't actually have to do is comment on things that you don't understand.

All I really want in life is a deep hole in the earth into which I can crawl between virtual meetings

Damn straight I let the cat out of the bag, and I’d do it again. Putting cats in bags is animal cruelty and straight up serial killer behavior.

I Tried to Make a Joke But Realized It Will Be Misinterpreted: An Autobiography

Damn straight I let the cat out of the bag, and I’d do it again. Putting cats in bags is animal cruelty and straight up serial killer behavior.

we need a disney princess with ibs

choosing one special follower to apply rustproofing to my undercarriage. i do not own a car.

google search (incognito mode): how to shrink shoes without boss knowing

raging (whimsically)

this man flipped a skateboard into his own nuts on live television

could you pick your toilet out of a lineup for $1000

The only ethically responsible use of AI is to automatically remove the play buttons from screenshots of videos so I don't waste 10 seconds trying to watch a video by clicking on a image.