☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️

Not many people know this, but the song Teenage Dirtbag is about a naked mole rat mutant antagonist.

What a time to be aware of facts and information

Here's a super depressing song that made me think of you, on that day humanity received a grim reminder.

record co. ceo, 1973: record sales are down. you’re toast

Bread: what

When I screamed "HERE'S A HAMMER, FIX YOUR FACE," I didn't really expect you to take me up on it.

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom

you: you DO have kids

me: WHAT

one time my aunt stopped speaking to me for six months bc i dropped in the chat that chick-fil-a is closed on sundays so their employees can go get their abortions

...discuss how mixing delicious candy with cleaning products is a recipe for disaster.

i used to smoke cigarettes. candy cigarettes. then i went on the patch. sour patch. now im clean. mr clean . in this ted talk, i will

Got fired from my job as a porn star bc I couldn’t stop saying GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST during the money shots

What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them jiggle before you, and to hear the lamentations of their eating utensils.

My child has made up a treat called “barbarian jello” which is simply jello that you eat indelicately with your hands

Melt a bunch of giant clocks, so I know it's surreal.

what are u talking about babe, *you're* the one who told *me* that gaslighting isn't real

No problem :)

I didn’t leave you on read. I can’t read.

bsky.app/profile/did:...

Here you go

Don't forget to spring forward tonight and exorcize the ghosts of the past.

some of you have done very little to pump up the jam and it shows

I love this website because scrolling is like

- freaking out about the horrors of the world

- look at my cat!

- more horrors

- dumb joke

- guy getting mad because he doesn't understand what a joke is

- the horrors again obviously

- porn

Do one thing every day that scares you, continue to wake up.

Someone told me to read the room, so that's why I'm writing this novel on their stupid walls.

i vibed that he was going to murder me first your honor

I say happy birthday a lot for someone that is diametrically opposed to all birth.

for your birthday i got you a helium balloon because who doesn’t love a slowly deflating reminder that we’re dying on a dying planet

Oh, hey, look at Jesus in his Crocs, hanging above the altar for all to bask in his comfortable glory.

we’re 85 seconds to midnight on the doomsday clock and we’re still doing spring forward??

🎶pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time! when you're rich and hire a pizza chef, you can have pizza anytime🎶