EmoG

My vibe is aggressively mediocre and I’m at peace with it.

Holding doors for people stresses me out. You hold it too long, you’re weird. You don’t hold it, you’re an asshole. There’s no winning.

The only turn on in my life right now is the fridge light.

I put the “fun” in dysfunctional. You’re welcome.

Fitness app congratulated me for closing my rings. I closed them by reaching for the remote.

Another successful day of pretending I have my shit together. Standing ovation, please.

Success? Nah. I’m thriving at being a dumbass.

USA-Canada hockey GOLD at 8:10 am ET this morning? It’s not day drinking — it’s Olympic brunch.

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

Apparently, my future is so bright it’s actually invisible. Anyway, thanks for the existential crisis with my Orange Chicken.

And the ants are on Ozempic.

Recipe serving sizes are for families of ants.

The unsubscribe button is the most satisfying lie on the internet.

The local news anchor is standing in a parking lot in a parka, trying to convince me it’s cold. I have a window, Brenda.

The only thing worse than small talk is when it turns into medium talk.

Scented garbage bags are incredible. My trash smells so good, I’ve decided to keep it.

If humans were meant to be morning people, the sun wouldn’t be so aggressive about its entrance.

Nothing makes me feel more like a criminal than walking out of a store without buying anything.

If I ever go missing, don't put my face on a milk carton. Put it on the "Skip Ad" button. That’s where people are actually looking.

I’m single by choice. Not my choice, mind you, but it’s definitely a choice being made by somebody.

Bosses who send emails on Sundays are the human equivalent of the low-battery chirp from a smoke detector.

People who say “I’m a good listener” are usually the ones who never shut the fuck up.

I have a very specific "look" I go for in the morning. It’s called "I hope I don’t run into anyone I know."

Thanks for the email, but I don’t need a smart toilet with Bluetooth and a heated seat. If my plumbing starts collecting data on my "output," I’m moving to the woods with a bucket.

January 1st is the only day of the year where everyone pretends they’re a brand-new person for exactly 6 hours. By noon, the "New Me" is usually face-down in a pizza.

"Bomb Cyclone" is just branding. "Big-Ass Blizzard" didn't sound expensive enough.

Nothing makes you feel single like being asked to take the group photo.

“All is calm, all is bright” is what people say right before the relatives arrive.

I'm not tech support, but I'm about to delete all these cookies.

Grease 3 looks weak.