Jesse Ventura Rants

Sorry for my noted absence. I was wrestling for my life in a Burger King bathroom Having it My Way as I put the signature Chokehold on their Septic System.

It’s not that difficult to find someone guilty of a crime. We’ve all got skeletons in our closet. Except for me. I ripped the hinges off all of my closets years ago in an intense game of hide and seek.

The big 3 Letter agencies have held since as early as the 1950’s, the keys to the wardrobe leading into the great realm of Narnia. They keep it all to themselves; their greed knows no boundary.

I’ve spent the last 30 years mastering the art of finger painting, and you will never see them. My collection will go into my tomb so I can bring my treasures to the great beyond.

The only “share holder” value i’m going to be generating is the way I share holding my loved ones close with my loving wife of over 50 years

There’s not a man alive I wouldn’t gently hold to show him true masculinity.

I know the bounds of my strength and I could hold 10 eggs in my mouth without breaking one.

ICE? Ice is what I melt in my driveway. These aren’t men of the law. They’re cowards afraid of their own shadow. Nothing a little salt and 5 minutes with ‘The Body’ couldn’t melt.

You lack conviction and integrity. You don’t have the moral strength that I do. I bring back the shopping cart everytime without fail. I’ve broken more bones on the icy pavement of a Cub Foods parking lot doing my Civic Duty than you have in your cowardly existence.

The Hatman is Real and he owes me a Rematch.

You can never trust what you have been told. I use every single sense available to me when I drink a glass of OJ. That label says added calcium, but my five finley tuned senses detect there’s a complete lack of calcium. Why are they trying to weaken my bones?

Don’t talk to me about yuletide struggles. I once infiltrated the elusive underground mall Santa Claus ring. I climbed my way to the number one Secret Santa in all of Minnesota.

I’ve seen things that would shake the holly off your jollies.

In my Professional and Political career not once have I ever defecated in a public toilet. Don’t let the fools in Washington tell you otherwise

I rebuke the governments ability to find me while i’m making my decisions. I find time to hide away from the world and it’s certainly not the business of Uncle Sam

I’m something a savant when it comes to accomplishing what I set my mind to. You couldn’t keep me from my goals if you tried, as many men have. I am a raging bull through the cosmos and cannot be stopped.

You can tell a lot about the character of a man not based on his impressive and alluring physical appearance but by his raw ability to shove hotdogs in his pockets at a moment’s notice.

The powers that be don’t want you to realize that you can just have a hot dog whenever you want. You don’t need to wait, you can get one right now. Modern technology makes it possible and yet the 3 letter mafia wants to keep you from experiencing true freedom.

I don’t need temporary messages on social media. I have spent my career standing by my word. I won’t stoop to the level of ghouls or goblins and whisper fleeting incantations.

I find that I don’t respect any monarchy except that of the noble Monarch butterfly.

I spent enough time ringside of the arena of ideas to know when we need to tag team our opponent. We haven’t even scratched the surface of what’s possible. I know damned well that owl was full of BS. We need to find out just how many licks it takes to get to the center of the tootsie pop.

I have been mastering the art of lucid dreaming. But i’m not taking control of my dreams, i’m looking for answers. Locked away in my mind are answers to questions we aren’t allowed to ask. Put there by beings we aren’t capable of knowing. I’ll find out what really happened to DB Cooper mark my words

I have a fully developed flavor palate for the subtle changes in fluoride strength. I won’t be fooled by a caprisun.

I’ve spent the last 30 years preparing my mind, body, and spirit to ward off the spirit of Vince McMahon. He hasn’t passed over, but I’m always preparing for the inevitable.

I just finished watching a compelling documentary. There were two animals living in one house. A cat and the other a mouse. The cat kept letting the mouse get away but acting like he was tricked. That reminds me of our government. Except Federal Tom won’t let Citizen Jerry experience true freedom.

Don’t challenge me, Pal. I’ve eaten meals bigger than you. I used to make sandwiches Scooby-Doo style and consume them in a single bite before every Wrestling match. I’d frighten the onlookers as they watched my mouth extend to the floor and consume it whole.

No politician in the world scares me, but I know what scares them. Knowledge. Which is my other middle name when I am not also “The Body”. Jesse “Knowledge” Ventura knows what you don’t want him to know and sees the shadows moving in the dark.

No one is going to tell you this, so here it is straight from my mouth. The biggest expense in politics in Minnesota was popcorn. Every single day my campaign went through three tons of popcorn and somehow four tons of butter.

I’m not afraid of a Labubu doll, I was there for the invasion of the Loyal Monchhichi doll

You used to be able to get an entire meal for a dollar. This country has fallen so far to corporate greed and corruption that now my dollar won’t even buy me a spit in the mouth.

I know when to call it quits. I have been on the outside of that ring, I have rung that bell. We have become too proud to say enough is enough. You have to get up from that toilet, son.