Jeff Wells

Guys I think we've got to start drinking our Margaritas with no ICE

Well thank goodness we don't have an emotional woman in the White House.

Watching Jesse Watters try and spin the events of the day is amazing.

"Guys can get over that stuff. We call each other pedophiles, but we don't always mean it"

Uh, no we fucking don't.

I don’t think the President should use the power of their office to promote any individual private business. It’s not fair. It’s not very American. Except for Monster Jam. If I were President, every American would get one free annual ticket to their closest Monster Jam event. Hear me out... The country’s a mess right now—people yelling, marching in the streets, families dodging politics at dinner, and Congress can’t even agree on what day it is. We’ve got culture wars, economic anxiety, and now tariffs driving up the cost of everything. Half the country thinks the President is their salvation and the other half thinks their 5-year-old could create better economic policies. And it doesn't matter which recent President you are talking about. Monster trucks don’t care about that stuff. All they need is big wheels, a shit ton of diesel, and something to destroy. No, I’m not talking about the lifted trucks you see on the highway with steel testicles dangling from the hitch - most of which have never seen dirt in their lives. I’m talking about the real deal: Gravedigger, El Toro Loco, Zombie. 12,000-pound miracles of American engineering doing backflips over crushed sedans. You want healing? Give every citizen a free ticket to their local Monster Jam. Red, blue, left, right, whatever —none of it matters when a truck the size of a small house is launching off a ramp while some guy in jorts yells “HELL YEAAAAAAAAH” while spilling their nacho cheese everywhere. When two dudes are sitting next to each other at a Monster Jam event, they don't give a shit who voted for what. They're just watching these behemoths crushing school busses while they crush light beer. That’s America.

Monster Jam will heal us all.

1) Implement policies (tariffs) that tank the market
2) Your rich buddies gobble up investments on discount
3) Cancel your policies and the market rebounds
4) Profit, repeat
Yet another huge transfer of wealth is happening right now.

Everyone should wear either Pride colors or Ukraine colors. The second he says a lie (first 30 seconds) walk out and hold a press conference.

Kim Reynolds would absolutely kill 99 Dalmatian puppies just to make a coat out if them

The only person losing worse than the Chiefs is Drake

"I bet if the woke DEI Army named them 'White Hawks' this wouldn't have happened"
-Trump, probably soon

Alright fine - we'll call it the Gulf of America as long as we can also switch to the Metric system. I feel like that's a fair compromise.

4 years ago: "Will he ever be president again? Yeah, when hell freezes over!"

Today:

I just want to point out that South Park was in Colorado, not Iowa. -an Iowan

Andy and Anderson have the best New Year's Eve show and I'll fight anyone who disagrees

"When was your last bath?" I ask my children, pretending I don’t already smell the answer loud and clear.

Does having YouTube Premium make me superior? I’ll let you mull that over during your next unskippable ad.

'I never thought leopards would eat MY face,' sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party.

Not wasting a single second of dryer time at an automatic car wash is my superpower

I'm watching reporting on CNN about the United Healthcare CEO being shot dead in NYC and every single ad in this commercial break has been for competing health insurance companies. 🤔

What's on my #TheFrame this Sunday morning. Brought to you by explore.org/livecams

I loved Love Shack so much

We were in row H at Disney on Ice and my kids were picked to go sit on the ice with Ariel, which means all the kids in rows AA through G were too ugly for the job.

Unironically better than I imagined. #microsoft

Oklahoma Law Requires Ten Commandments To Be Displayed In Every Womb
theonion.com/oklahoma-law...