I just heard a crazy old woman in the street yelling 'don't you fucking dare walk away from me you fucking bellend' and all I could think was 'mother?'.
10.03.2026 13:37
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my favouritest lines, ranked:
8. Line dancing
7. Chorus lines
6. The Maginot Line
5. discipline
4. If women were boogers, I’d pick you
3. Parallel Lines by Blondie
2. you talking to me?
1. the one I did off my French teacher’s boobs on the exchange trip to Nîmes in 87*
*merci beaucoup, Mlle duPont
04.09.2024 12:05
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Not to brag but women often use me just for my body. For removing spiders mostly, but occasionally to help get something off the top shelf, too.
12.02.2025 14:09
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“You are a strong, beautiful woman” was apparently not quite what my wife expected to hear me say, particularly as I was wearing her favourite lingerie and talking to a full-length mirror at the time.
I have to say, the IKEA security guards seemed kinda surprised too.
25.04.2024 13:06
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i would never have my eyebrows tattooed but i would definitely use a clip on
30.03.2024 20:30
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Vent my spleen? No thank you Hannibal, you just keep on walking.
10.03.2026 19:57
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Nothing like a good cry to get the depression going
10.03.2026 17:33
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USDA official: you don’t qualify for food stamps
me: oh, snap
USDA official: you can’t get SNAP, either
me: what
10.03.2026 14:08
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anyone who's still here when the party's over will have chores allocated to them
10.03.2026 20:00
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when you drop a whole bag of m&m's it's the five day rule
10.03.2026 20:07
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A DC girl, living in a Marvel world.
10.03.2026 09:42
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Amen and Somewomen
10.03.2026 20:08
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How many pairs of nail clippers does one person need and why is it 27?
10.03.2026 18:11
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gas prices up, time to start taking tp from work
10.03.2026 16:41
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My husband and I have a very sophisticated system for deciding who handles the “scary noise” downstairs. It’s called “who can fake being asleep the fastest.”
10.03.2026 18:02
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Ever read your own posts and think ‘damn, someone really missed the boat of diagnosing me’
10.03.2026 16:10
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If only the drinks were free during the apocalypse
10.03.2026 19:17
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Me: Party’s over. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.
Mom: I own this house. You just live in the basement. Now put away your action figures- I mean, party guests.
10.03.2026 19:27
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(drifting off to sleep)
I bet living in a big strawberry isn't as great as it seems.
10.03.2026 04:26
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I wish my life was as mysterious as one shoe on the side of the highway.
10.03.2026 17:15
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I’m not lazy I’m just deathly allergic to elbow grease.
10.03.2026 17:16
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I feel so much safer now that the Ayatollah Khamenei has been replaced by the Ayatollah Khamenei.
10.03.2026 18:40
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Watching the sunset is like getting a forehead kiss from the sky.
09.03.2026 19:42
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Have the kind of sex where you have to buy a new house.
09.03.2026 10:42
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lady, look around, the world is on fire i can’t also deal with your condescending looks over me forgetting my reusable bags
06.03.2026 14:51
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it's eerie how garbage pail kids basically predicted my dating pool
10.03.2026 19:26
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You expect me to eat chia seeds?? The same seeds I use to grow my pets?
08.03.2026 19:19
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not one but two pots of soup on the stove today. in my simmering liquids era. soupmaxxing.
10.03.2026 20:03
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at 100 likes I will post bog (some cool swamp pics, maybe there will be frogs idk)
10.03.2026 20:29
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Two, four, six, eight, how do we dissociate?
23.11.2025 16:13
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