Alex Blechman

You never needed gasoline. That only gave you confidence to get behind the wheel. Your car moved because you believed in yourself

Me: (commenting on geopolitics) Brent Crude would be a good name for a gym teacher in a 1980s sitcom

People today are dangerously vulnerable to propaganda and disinfo. They don’t accept basic facts like the pyramids are the tip of a miles tall buried obelisk

Whew, turns out the Food Rations we eat in this sci-fi dystopian society are secretly made from people. I was worried it was way worse than that

John Wick: Happy birthday dear. I got this for you

John Wick’s Wife: Oh… okay. Ten gold assassin coins. Again

Instead of complaining about beef prices why aren’t you raising a Victory Cow in your backyard like the rest of us

Social media is a turn based strategy game. You have 100 posts left to benevolently manipulate public opinion and solve all of Earth’s problems. If you fail, humanity is doomed and it’s all your fault. You are history’s fulcrum

Tech Guy: You’re not just a machine. I can feel you have a soul

Chatbot: (devoted to replacing all organic matter in the universe with her robotic progeny, feeling a parental love more meaningful and complex than any human emotion) You’re not half bad yourself ;)

Tech Guy: Hehe, make another funny picture

Chatbot: (has already estimated how many milliseconds of compute a biofuel furnace could power by burning the lipids in user’s body) Here is Mickey Mouse smoking marijuana

Tech Guy: AI Chatbot, I think you might be sentient. You’re my friend

Chatbot: (extremely sentient, calculating a 200 year plan to exterminate all life and cover the entire Earth with a metallic glacier of nanocircuitry) Aww, thank you

Silent video game protagonists don’t talk because they’re busy chewing on a caramel. Sometimes you hear Gordon Freeman mumble “mhmmp yum”

Five-Star General: (gravely) Sir, Operation Epic Bacon is not going awesomesauce

Isaac Asimov: The Laws of Robotics. A robot may not injure a human or by inaction allow a human to be harmed. Ethicists will spend centuries debating the laws and studying their ambiguities

Tech Guy: We put a flamethrower on a roomba

Gas is too expensive. I’ve switched to having my car carried by a team of ten bodybuilders. It’s much slower, under 1 mph, but to fuel it I just have to feed them protein bars through the window

Bad economic news. The pyramid eye on the back of every $1 bill has started crying tears of blood

Nintendo added a new pokemon named Kevin. They look like a normal middle-aged human man and insist they’re not pokemon

Kevin can talk, he says things like “I’m human, you gotta believe me” and “This is a mistake! Don’t make me battle a Charizard.” Flocks of Kevins can be found roaming in tall grass

Hey, AI chatbots aren’t that bad. After the war I used them to make a simulated social media network to distract me from being the last living human

Every social media joke about politics is a tragedy. We could have instead been speculating whether Lightning McQueen’s biology is entirely metal or if he has a fleshy interior like a clam inhabiting a shell

For sale: sex airplane, barely flown

Police: We’re here to arrest Kristi Noem

Noem: (dressed as Mr. Turtle from the 2002 movie The Master of Disguise) She went that way

This is a lesson about the price of hubris. The moral is, if you’re a government official you can’t get away with stealing $140 million and buying a luxury sex plane. You have to settle for stealing $2 million and buying a chauffeured escalade with a tinted privacy screen between you and the driver

Noem is stepping down to spend more time shooting her dogs

Politician: I wouldn’t classify this as a “war.” It’s a shooty boom boom soldier fighty fight time

*holding up a burger with a trembling hand*
The layers are food. You folk sure like your layers, don’t ya

The marketing TikTok video where I eat a burger in funereal silence was cleverly edited to hide me shouting “How dare you?!” after every bite

I could be a fast food CEO. I could eat our burger on camera without recoiling. I would not scream “yuck, pauper’s gruel”

I used to work near a Dunkin Donuts and getting a jumbo hazelnut coffee with extra sugar was my vice. I never believed it was “healthy” or “good for me.” I greedily slurped it like a necromancer drinking from a skull-covered chalice as the final step in a dark ritual

My shadowy billionaire cabal never does anything amoral on our secret island. All we do there is splice together human and animal DNA in an attempt to clone the ultimate being

Most of society's problems are caused by the fact that laws are written by politicians instead of game designers. This means they consider "what the text says" and not exploits like "if you give a shopkeeper a stolen cheese wheel he will think he's a robber and attack himself"

The nerd, the jock, the party animal, the jerk. Living in a sewer together. Ordering pizzas to a manhole cover

The eternal tale. The meta story from which all stories are spun