i’m done with forks. i’m ready for fiveks
09.03.2026 15:58
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i’m done with forks. i’m ready for fiveks
the worst writing in film has gotta be when they couldn’t figure out what to do with Lt. Dan’s legs so they just had them written out of Forrest Gump halfway through
if i’m too much, find less 🙂↔️
no! no wait come back! 😧
if you even talk about Twitter over here they shoot you in the kneecaps
random acts of kindness are a beat we can all dance to, you selfish motherfucker
Objects in mirror are one step closer to the edge AND THE’RE ABOUT TA BREAK
I tried to write a ska song called “Put It Down” and I got roundhouse kicked across the face in a skank pit
“Watch…this is how the PROS do it”
*cries loudly into my hands*
One of the greats at Cracked, says this casual observer.
“you know who’s NOT in the Epstein files?”
no, and frankly I don’t give a spinning, grinning fuck about that. enough people are in it who are still alive and not behind bars
a vampire who can’t eat Sun Chips
when the authenticator app numbers turn red and start flashing, my blood pressure shoots so high I nearly pass out from the rush
you wouldn’t believe the sneeze I just snoze
I was scratching inside my nostril if you even care. not picking my nose. but of course you would never believe my intentions were pure and my heart is true.
do not cite the deep memes to me, witch. I was there when the media was still trying to decide how “memes” was pronounced.
the “hot water bottle” was named by someone who had never before seen a bottle
I took out this secondhand Sounds Spectacular record and inside was this old Betsey Clark drawing that looks to have been taped to some kid’s wall in the 70s
New Year.
New Me.
New Muh.
New Muh. Yay.
Numa Numa Yay.
Numa Numa Numa Yay.
Chipul tău și dragostea din tei
my 9yo caught a typo in the NORAD Santa Tracker. ‘Inida’ instead of India
my favorite part of Muppet Christmas Carol is when Scrooge knows full well which tombstone the ghost is pointing but tries to prolong the inevitable for one more second by pointing to a different one
enjoy this relic of me and @erikgerm.bsky.social at the Pokémon Black White Tour circa 2010
no actually I asked for coal. so i’m super psyched. these are tears of joy. christmas joy so shut the fuck up
sorry, buddy. confidently incorrect is the only confidence I got
my favorite exchange in Home Alone
i’d have told Ebeneezer Scrooge to fuck off, I can tell you that much
fuck jeremy renner I don’t even use this app anymore
Billy Idol (grabbing a bag of Smartfood popcorn): it’s a nice day for a White Chedding
Dr. Evil’s complaint that his dad “would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark” just sounds like me every day when i’m messing with my kids. Earlier, I told them I used to be in the Paw Patrol.
watching the 2017 Oscar’s La La Land/Moonlight fiasco just to feel something
sucker things
