grilled cheese 🧀

My id: You should eat some ice cream.

My Lactose Intolerance: Don't EVEN think about it!

My Self Loathing: Eat it you pussy

*types out post*
*anticipates replies*
*deletes post*

Single coat paint is a double coat lie.

no need to throw caution into the wind when you can just continue to live in sin

when your pants want to give you a wether’s original and tell you about WWII:

now that there are no phone booths Clark Kent just strips naked in the street

i have my moments

I wish my life was as mysterious as one shoe on the side of the highway.

I have a Sheryl Crow song stuck in my head and I wasn’t even at the grocery store.

I love the idea that *this* US government, which has been nabbing landscapers and five year olds knows where Iranian sleeper cells are but just hasn’t gotten around to doing anything about it yet.

spilled an entire bottle of hot sauce on the floor and now i'm doin the sriracha cha slide

Comrade Public Library 🫡

Falafel? more like falawsome

Marco Rubio with photoshopped clown shoes

So the shoegate I understand it is this:

1. Trump equals shoe size to dick size
2. Trump asks Rubio, Hegseth and the rest of the ilk about their shoe size.
3. They all yell, like 10, 11, big, huge.
4. Trump buys those for them, and they shamble around in shoes twice their size.

Please allow me to introduce myself I’m a man of sloth and waste

i’m just a fig newton of your imagination

A New Found Glory Hole

Orgies are inherently communist events

[foreigner] i want to know what love iiiiis

[me] a falsehood a lie and it will hurt you

[foreigner] i want you to show meeee

[me] see that sack of mouldy potatoes over there kinda like that

we need a disney princess with ibs

you ain’t nothing but a horndog or whatever elvis said

all my mayo gone

my hot take is that there is credence to the "hot-crazy woman" scale. the hotter men believe a woman to be, the more likelihood she has been antagonized, harassed, or traumatized by men. a woman who is traumatized might exhibit symptoms of mental illness, or act in a way men perceive to be "crazy".

cool

an emergency alert system but to let everyone know when i’m in one of my “moods”

why did we even domesticate peeves

[dr. seuss voice]

looking high,
looking low,
where did all
of my fucks go?

they are not here,
they are not there,
there are no fucks left
anywhere!

It’s nice to have a ride from the airport but I’d also like a little respect.

fuck fast food CEOs eating their proletariat customer product, I want to see them do a budget for a single person working at their restaurant 40 hours a week