sean

glad i'm not late

i find less and less reason

i don't like that we're in a place where the rules are out the window and i immediately have to go, "is this just some dude who lost the raffle made to make the fbi look good"

I SAID *cocks gun* don we now our gay apparel

after much research i've figured out how to get out of a work group chat on android. the trick is to hurl your phone into the river.

i dunno how it happened but one of my only ventures into online trolling took aim at david bowie fans. neither they nor bowie deserve it and yet...

a good year. david bowie is a very adequate, so-so musician.

been reading about the act of "going viral". thinking of giving it a try.

Two days later, having at last arranged all three hundred and two UNO cards in his hand, Gary finally plays a green 7 to an abandoned table.

this one surpasses good. dare i call it grrrr...sorry, i just can't.

i followed the robot that shows when you've been blocked awhile ago. i got no notifications until ernie gif.

Me: I want a panic room inside a panic room in case I panic in the panic room.

Architect: You aren’t zoned for that.

Me: *panics*

he's trouble

😍

i'm leaving my current store in a week and a customer gave me a card with a $500 check!

so when going to trial it's a good idea to hire a trial lawyer?

Yawns are weird. You're tired? Why don't you open your mouth really big about it? What's that? You're not tired, but you saw someone else open their mouth big? Well, guess what.

How to save your marriage with cold Taco Bell and roughly $600,000.

“Get in the car, no time to explain!” I yell to the stranger on the sidewalk who, justifiably, does not get into my vehicle.

Hey buddy, want to buy some wind chimes?

*I open my trench coat and 100 wind chimes fall out*

They want $60 for an hour at the axe throwing place? For that money I can buy a case of beer and my own axe, and throw it at whatever I want until I'm arrested again

What’s it called when you're smart but everything you do is fucking stupid?

i was...that man was...exonerated.

can you bring it inside?

I’ve been contemplating the logistics of glovebox spaghetti for a decade now — and I’m finally ready to admit I’m in over my head.

i thought it was just some guy named duncan donuts

can anyone tell me if they think where we are with this scandal has more potential than the others?

okay but i've gotten optimistic about him being taken down so many times!

literally reply after replay saying "as a republican, thank you for your patriotism"