I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there
14.03.2026 11:24
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I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there
90% of my day is spent deciding how to stand to make me look the thinnest.
I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Haven't we Metamucil before? - Senior citizens pickup line
One of my fitness goals is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without any help.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
We did it you guys! We saved daylight!
The correct way to lift a dead body
Handy Andy Household Tip: Tired of mopping? Pop yourself a bag of popcorn, sprinkle it all ove your kitchen floor and let the dogs do the work for you!
Im looking for a couple stylists for my Johns Creek Location. We offer Competitive Pay. Opportunity for Growth, Paid Vacations, Medical Insurance, and 401k. If you know of a stylist that may be interested put them in touch with me. (added bonus they get to work with me)
Me: *Uncontrollable sobbing*
I can't see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me again
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up
*police sirens*
*I burst into our house wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at John*
*1st date with John*
Me: My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours...
My stalker sucks. He needs to try harder. I always have to keep going and finding him. It's like I'm following HIM around.
Helpful stylist tip: You know you're going bald when it takes you longer and longer to wash your face.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to go to the bathroom.
It's really hard being a people person with all these restraining orders.
People often regret telling me to make myself at home.
Is there a job where you go on FMLA's and have surgeries?
I'd probably be really good at that job.
My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up
The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked
-I said to John as he complained of a toothache
The car in front of me at a red light has a bumper sticker says "Honk if you love Jesus." So I honk, and he gives me the finger
Me: You ever work out?
John: Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Sometimes when I'm driving I get distracted and almost run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I'm Andy and I'll be your Uber driver.
If you've never walked around your house looking for your phone only to realize it was in your hand, you are obviously not me.
...and then I was like DUDE! and he was like DUDE! and I was like DUDE! and he was like DUUUDE!! and I was like DUUUUUUDE!
-Handing my business card to a fellow boomer.
Motivational Message: Marrying a person isn’t the only way to take someone's name, there’s also identity theft