(Cross-exam continued)
GIMLET: That was a joke post about him liking petting zoos. I was being aronic.
MY BOSS’S LAWYER: A joke? Interesting. Because we have here a post of yours from the same day… The post reads, quote: “I don’t like jokes. I just don’t find them funny.”
MY LAWYER: (head in hands)
@tokyohearse
domestic partnerships fell off
@domesticjim
?
@tokyohearse
they fell of
@domesticsteve
?
@tokyohearse
are you guys together
@homewreckerterry
Not for long.
@tokyohearse
out of my mentions terry.
@canadians4newsom
James & Steven - Pls Watch Out 4 Terry
My Date: … Oh! I have a fun story. I saw Tom Hardy at Ralph’s the other day! He seemed really sweet… He’s such a good actor too… Do you—who’s one of your favorite actors…?
Me:
oh thank god. we were able to use ring’s search party feature to track down our shiba, Mr. Garry, who ran away last week. now it’s just back to keeping him away from belts and locking the oven door 😅
Asking the guy at Burger King what his favorite thing on the menu is and then saying “ew!” and ordering something else
theres a certain kind of woman who loves being the “what floor?” delegate on elevators. and over the past week, she has grown to support full-body vasectomies for ice agents
chaos in the household. my son is trying meditation this year but he keeps shouting “it’s not working”. my wife’s book club got ruined by termites. and my wife’s mother, who is here after her condo fell in a sinkhole, is on facebook all day watching ai videos of golden retrievers bombing venezuela.
truly one of the geniuses of posting
wise people vs discourse about the pencil guy
i actually think bari weiss isn’t front-facing enough. they should put her on all of cbs, not just the news . have her sideline report on chargers games. stephen colberts new sidekick. hero cop who survives a yacht explosion on ncis: hawaii. the people want more bari.
anyone who doesnt use copilot, gemini, chatspt, x the everything app, and the promo code i have in my bio for pumpkin spice flavored sildenafil that gives us both $8 back is my sworn enemy.
ME: Hey Chief! Check this out! (balancing a pen on my nose)
POLICE CHIEF: That’s wonderful, Detective. Where are we at on the Amelia Earhart case?
ME: We found her but shes straight now
sending the worst person you know jpeg to my son when he texts me he wants a hamster for christmas
ME: damn. they fucked his shit up.
OTHER LAW & ORDER DETECTIVES: that’s not really the kind of language we like to use in this unit.
had a wonderful vision: sitting patiently at the dentist’s office while Sunbather plays in its entirety over the 60kbps waiting room speakers
the world if trump loved sondheim instead of andrew lloyd webber..
lol
can’t forget pete hegseth’s part
his vibrato on this 🤌
imagining rfk playing the lead in stephen sondheim’s “company”
this is what being normal looks like 👇
[Dinner]
MY WIFE: Oh, do your Trump impression!
ME: No, no
JOHN: He does a Trump?!
STACY: Let’s hear it!
JIM: Do it!
SARAH: Come on!
ME: Oh, alright... (thick brooklyn accent) Chiina! We’re going to Chiina! And we’re going to make Billions !
MY WIFE: (cracking up)
JOHN, STACY, JIM, SARAH: … Haha
would love to see the mri brain scans of cuomo voters projected in 70mm imax. a dazzling constellation of immolating lobes and irradiated neurons convulsing in electric swamps
i hate it when the doctor hits me with a hammer because it’s always the wrong bone that springs up !
(i hit send post & sigh. enter the garage. car’s already running. as the exhaust purrs, one last thought comes to me. i pull out my phone)
julia child draftkings ad
(I smile, and pass away.
We’re Building A Ballroom
just got the saab washed, waxed, and leather conditioned
now i see why he was so defensive
To my friend Jane Goodall. Rest now sister. We have the watch and I'll see you in Valhalla.
SHUG TRONKER: (fastening cross necklace, chomping cigar, pumping shotgun) Let’s hunt some motherfucking vampires.
ME: Just a second, Shug. (bending to tie my shoes) … (mumbling) The rabbit goes under the woods and then… Over… Grandma’s house…?…
SHUG: ... Do you need help?
ME: I’ve got this, Shug.
