Discount Storytime

humpty dumpty: (falling off the wall) please don’t write a nursery rhyme about this

a man and a woman are standing next to each other in a room and the man is talking to the woman . ALT: a man and a woman are standing next to each other in a room and the man is talking to the woman .

We need to talk about your Smart Goals

“Think I can jump over that? I’ll bet you I can! Watch! Watch me! Watch me jump over that. I’ll show you I can! Watch me do it!”*

* me flirting before going to the hospital.

Before you follow me, just know that I’ve been described as “if brushing your teeth after drinking orange juice was a person”

I’m starting to suspect my life peaked at my third grade square dance competition.

I hope this email finds you in a well.

Add a letter, ruin a song

I Will Always Love Your

I’m tracing our downfall to when we had to start wearing pants to work again

I stand on the shoulders of the giants who came before me. Mostly so I can play with their giant hats.

OK, this is a very impromptu thing. I decided to do a thread on a trailer that dropped just a couple of days ago (pointed out to me by @usergeoduck.bsky.social).

On the top of horror-spoofs, I just saw the trailer for the upcoming 'Scary Movie', coming out THIS June.

This International Women's Day, please remember that trans women are women. Full stop. No qualifiers.

But does the Hulk *feel* Incredible?

I’m glad our thoughts don't appear in bubbles above our heads otherwise I would be in jail or a mental hospital

A two word horror story:

Carpeted kitchen

at this point i only know what day it is because it says so on my pill organizer

*getting down on one knee* will you be my character witness?

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about [spits out feathers]. For some of us, it's the Great Emu War of 1932.

My internal dialogue is an unreliable narrator.

I’m Pepsi, and I’m Actually Okay Before you ask, yes—I’m actually okay. I can feel you hesitating, the way people do when they lower their expectations out of politeness. You ask t...

"I’ve finally arrived at a place of radical acceptance. I accept that I will be passed over, that I will sit untouched for hours, that someone will choose a lemon-lime option over me without a second thought."

You can have it in the fall.

ME: pack a bag, we’re flying to kansas

MY WAYWARD SON: what kind of bag

Just remember to spring with your knees and not your back.

you can spring sideways if you want

A yellow excavator next to a big pile of rubble in a street. There's only a small section that's not yet been demolished, and this includes a large Hardee's advertising sign with a smaller messageboard below it that reads: "CLOSED"

Oh, no! It's closed!

I'm too bored of this to try and be clever about it anymore.

If you think that two men kissing, or two women kissing, requires any more explanation than a man kissing a woman, that is homophobia.

To avoid all the confusion of the daylight savings changeover, we should simply arrange it so the sun sets at 9pm every day and work backward from that to what time the rest of the day is

full frontal noodles

why are taters the only thing we’ve totted