James Earl Marsters

No, my free antivirus subscription does not end in 9 days. You want me to upgrade to a paid subscription in 9 days.

Nigel Farage says he wishes Reform UK had never taken on Worcestershire Council. Isn't that their whole brand? "We're patriotic but we think Britain's shit and we can sort it out." When the going gets tough, Farage fucks off

BoE: Well the bulldog is a British animal so actually we can include him
RefUK: Not that Churchill! We're going to make this our most important issue for some reason

Bank of England: What would you like on banknotes?
Public: We would like some nice, fluffy native British animals
BoE: Sounds great
Reform UK: That's unpatriotic! How dare you ask people and how dare those people not say Churchill. If it wasn't for Churchill, there'd be no Britain and no animals

If the EU doesn't like vegan alternatives using meat and dairy words, let's just move all the vowels in the words up one place. They sound similar but are more fun to say:
- melk
- bottar
- yighort
- stauk
- chaasa
- craum

Dear Deirde: my ripen-at-home kiwis are, in fact, not ripening at home. What am I doing wrong?

It's so weird that we schedule things to happen every seven days just because some people hundreds of years ago decided it was a magical number

Blocking GB News on Facebook is not enough. There should be a stronger option of 'tell them to fuck off'

Now one of the rich racists has fallen out with King Racist and started his own party called Restore Britain. He wants to be more openly racist to attract the poor racists. It's great if they split the vote and neither get nowhere near power but having more racists around is not how I envisaged 2026

Reform UK consists of two factions: rich racists and poor racists. The rich racists own and run the business... sorry, party and know they need to display at least an air that their racism is actually about protecting women and girls to maintain the vote of the rich 1/2

A kettle that's very shiny and has a reflection of me, the taker of the photograph. Surprise!

I think there's a man living inside my kettle and when I tried to take a picture of him, he took one of me too. Cheeky bastard

One of my favourite bits of ADHD is when I forget the words for things. I just said I need to shave the potatoes

Just in case you didn't know, #InternationalWomensDay is not the same as Ladies' Day which is when people think they're being posh by dressing up in their finest clothes, descending on their local market town with a racecourse, getting absolutely arseholed and falling into a bush

THE KILLERS: Andy, you're a star

ANDY: aw thanks guys!

THE KILLERS: in nobody's eyes

ANDY: what the fuck

THE KILLERS: but mine

ANDY: guys you're all over the shop here, do you think I'm a dickhead or what

Ah shit, now I'm having an existential crisis cos I've realised I'm in my 40s (and have been for nearly 2 years)

Had a lovely afternoon playing pickleball with some friends. Was running all over the court, not a problem. Returned home and have pulled a muscle in my forearm while cleaning the shower. Can't fully close my fingers. Just in case anyone was wondering what 41 is like

Six Nations but it's Gondor, Alderaan, Narnia, Westeros, Gallifrey and Wakanda

The Doctor Who logo (specifically the Matt Smith era)

Victoria Coren-Mitchell presenting Only Connect

The Traitors logo in front of Claudia Winkleman and the castle

The BBC Radio 6 logo

Which four BBC titles would you gladly pay the licence fee for?

Commentator on the Paralympics: The crowd at the bottom is applauding Wang
Me: Finally something I can relate to among all these disciplined elite sportspeople

(Yes this is a joke about clapping penises)

Things you know only if you're from East Yorkshire
1) Hessle doesn't rhyme with Wressle
2) Atwick rhymes with Catwick but neither rhymes with Gatwick
3) Skirlaugh isn't pronounced how you'd expect
4) Haworth, Hull is pronounced differently to Haworth, W Yorks
5) We don't ask why it's called Wetwang

Also, the award for best album title of the year has already been claimed by Harry Styles's Kiss All The Time. Disco, Occasionally

I'm absolutely not one of these people who thinks the UK always sends crap to Eurovision. We've had some great songs in the past few years (as well as some not so great ones) but I think this might be the first year we're actually sending a song that shows we finally understood the brief

If Shabana Mahmood is going to evict refugees who break the law from government-funded accommodation, why wouldn't she just deport them? They'll have no money, no home. It would just make them more desperate. She's clearly trying to not look as extreme as Reform but ends up making the problem worse

Song for Josh by Frank Turner about his friend's suicide

Beverley Jestwood Comedy Night line-up. Richard Stott, Lucy Buckley, Jonny Brook, Rich Austin, Nick Bradley, Neil Thomas, Fiona Meddings with your host James Earl Marsters. 8pm Wed 11th March @ Junk Bar, Beverley

I can't believe I've stuck this out for a full year but next week, I'll be welcoming comedy fans to the 12th monthly Beverley Jestwood comedy night! We've got another fantastic line-up so if you fancy a FREE midweek laugh in East Yorkshire, get your tickets here: www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/1982988233...

Adminton: passing documents back and forth between people as if over a net with a racquet

Forget AI, I've come up with a more authentic way to get answers to everyday questions. Simply go down to your local fish and chip shop and ask some of the other folks in the queue what their opinion is. Please let me introduce: Chat Chippy Tea

Trump: We don't need friends. Other countries should show us some respect
*cuts international aid*
*threatens Canada*
*implements tariffs*
*threatens to invade Greenland*
*kidnaps Venezuelan president*
*bombs Iran*
Trump: I can't believe our friends aren't sticking up for us

Beverley Jestwood Comedy Night line-up. Richard Stott, Lucy Buckley, Jonny Brook, Rich Austin, Nick Bradley, Neil Thomas, Fiona Meddings with your host James Earl Marsters. 8pm Wed 11th March @ Junk Bar, Beverley

I can't believe I've stuck this out for a full year but next week, I'll be welcoming comedy fans to the 12th monthly Beverley Jestwood comedy night! We've got another fantastic line-up so if you fancy a FREE midweek laugh in East Yorkshire, get your tickets here: www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/1982988233...

The Doctor Who logo (specifically the Matt Smith era)

Victoria Coren-Mitchell presenting Only Connect

The Traitors logo in front of Claudia Winkleman and the castle

The BBC Radio 6 logo

Which four BBC titles would you gladly pay the licence fee for?