LaffGaff

A philosopher never sits down at work.

Stands to reason.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I’ve been off work all week because my pet cow is sick.

My boss thinks I’m milking it.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

To the person that keeps stealing my scissors:

Will you cut it out?

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I keep turning the TV on half way through a frame of snooker.

I just can’t get a break.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Three days ago, my son went upstairs to practice his keyboard.

I haven’t seen him synth.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?

A heroine addict.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I love my new hobby, archery… it’s great.

But there are a lot of drawbacks.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

After years of research, I finally figured out the secret to a healthy lawn: sprinkle protein powder on the wet morning grass.

The discovery was whey over dew.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I told my plants I love them.

Now they’re rooting for me.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I came second in a star naming contest.

Got a constellation prize.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I connected my new phone to the cloud.

Then I started getting mist calls.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Do you know what’s great about orcas?

They do a killer whale impression.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

How did the hammerhead shark do on his math test?

He nailed it.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Why do novice pirates make terrible singers?

Because they can’t hit the high seas.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What did the judge say to the dentist when he went for an extraction?

I want you to remove the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

My friend swears she can smell freshly baked Indian bread from a mile away.

I told her that’s naan scents.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I saw the world’s largest egg this week.

That will take some beating.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

A friend is allergic to escaping prison.

He breaks out in a rash.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

A new tennis player goes to the library and asks for books about aces.

“No way”, says the librarian, “You won’t return them.”

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

To celebrate our engagement, I wanted to take my fiancée out on an epic adventure in Antarctica.

Unfortunately she got cold feet.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

My friend has been engaged over 5 times but never married.

That's a lot of near Mrs.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I got asked to leave a hall of mirrors yesterday.

I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll see myself out.”

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I lost my job as the rodent keeper at the zoo.

No more Mr Mice guy.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

The Pope recently contracted the bird flu.

They say he got it from one of the cardinals.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

You really think you can stop me from telling jokes about electricity?

You and watt army?

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep?

It was pasta bedtime.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I've invented a container which when poured, plays cool jazz music.

It's a hip flask.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Where does a magic scientist work?

In a labracadabratory.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I suggested to my wife that we go to the bar separately to relive our first date.

So I walked over to her and asked, "Hi, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Get lost, I'm not falling for that again!"

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I think the local police horse has a dodgy shoe.

It's going good clop, bad clop.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes