When You're Falling by Afro Celt Sound System featuring Peter Gabriel playing over and over dedicated to Parts inside during a disoriented time. No fix offered, but comforting to express something.
above is quote from How to Do the Work by LePERA. Posting it here to keep it for reference.
Being my authentic Self can feel defiant and powerful, but it can be scary stuff. These days, I choose it when I am aware of the choice.
I find it compelling to sense others doing the same.
Trauma occurred when we consistently betrayed ourselves for love, were consistently treated in a way that made us feel unworthy or unacceptable resulting in a severed connection to our authentic Self. Trauma creates the fundamental belief that we must betray who we are in order to survive.
Trauma creates the fundamental belief that we must betray who we are in order to survive.
Or maybe the dry cough was some other identity-related communication (get on the right side, dammit) because it did not really feel exactly like typical allergy respnse and it went away as soon as I moved to the right side. Mysteries abound.
I wonder if different parts of me have different allergies. If part of me knows that it might have wanted positional support being someone not allergic to the woods
Becoming clear to me that identity is somewhat related to position in space.
Some of the details of the experience of split-brain people seem relevant to my experience of complex identity. The arguments are annoying in much the same way as against the possibility of any DID, but the debate does explore the nuances of the situation. www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lxm... #pluralsky
not dialogue in words, more awareness and ideas and paying attention to changes in feelings in response to changes in thoughts
Gut says something like: the way to peace is the flowing out not the flowing in. Hmmmmmm.
I do thrive float bloom dance vibe with love too. It is not all nonsensical insecurity at least :)
I am overwhelmingly showered buoyed pelted tsunami waved wrapped lifted absolutely saturated with love. Abundant kinds and styles and expressions of love from all directions. So why the ever living heck do I get choked sometimes with social insecurity? Makes no sense.
Both sides are me. Unbalance one way tends to recklessness and insensitivity, while unbalance the other way tends to missing experiences and fading or spiraling. For the task of enjoying a companionable walk, it makes sense that slightly right-person characteristics would be drawn forward.
The funny thing is the friend could hear me better when I was walking on the right side, which at the time we attributed to hearing, but I am now guessing I naturally spoke up more loudly when walking on the right side.
Yesterday I went walking with a good friend and had a strong sense that the right place to be walking was on the right side that that friend. In the context of this post as a reply to the last one, it is obvious where I am going with this, but it was not obvious to me at the time.
When I go on walks with an awareness of complex identity, the right side person is more confident, bolder--the sort to be comfortable being present with other people. The left side person tends to diffident and inclined to hide.
Remembering to get internal consensus on what to post, to avoid posting then deleting later from another perspective :)
possible census, some blends more likely than others
Functional
Gut
Bold Flirt
Escape Artist
Broken
M.L.
core Me
Details off camera here, but the dialogue was good and I think collaboration is possible.
Recent lessons on my mind, I listened instead of trying to push it away.
Mostly that feels great! But I was walking along a path I like recently and suddenly felt exposed.
I am losing weight and feel at a cusp between novelty sized and bog-standard matronly
I am of two minds about my weight.
"know things" might not be the right way to put it. Maybe be aware of things, or think about things, or apply one way of being to the other circusmtances.
I feel relief at not needing to be so separate. That is worth facing and doing hard things. The song Fascist Architecture by Bruce Cockburn might be about something else to the artist, but to me it reminds me of the worth of manifesting myself.
A couple other people from that time have made similar comments. If I worked at it, I could know things across those contexts, but it was rare and weird. And when I think of those times, my sets of behaviors and choices and even thought patterns were at significant odds.
I would tend to use the word "compartmentalized" to describe myself, but T came back with "different person". She described me as almost unrecognizably different in the few times she was around me in the context of my household of origin or a church activity.
I didn't have the vocabulary for it then, but looking back I realize some conversations I have had over the years with an old friend from high school (T) indicate that I was visibily less integrated back then.
May have been overthinking things. Naps are great
Huzzah for progress 🎉
