Boredwalk

Practice self-care like a cactus. Bask in the sunshine and stab anyone who tries to touch you.

Yeah, I have SMART goals:
- Sinister
- Magical
- Arcane
- Ritual
- Trickery

They're all "be your authentic self" until your inner sloppy goblin comes out and then they're all "put some pants on" and "stop licking pie plates in public."

Things I have in common with crows:

- always wear black
- enjoy the outdoors
- appreciate pretty sparkly things
- vengeful when crossed

"Do you even lift?"

Yeah, I lift my depression-laden flesh prison from bed every morning and haul it around all day.

I just want what every girl wants: donuts, pants with pockets and equal rights for everyone

Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about finding an abandoned mausoleum with a paranormal atmosphere and summoning apparitions from the shadowy netherworld to do your bidding.

Me to myself every time I have to talk to anyone:

"Don't be weird! Don't be weird!"

Me out loud:

Gow's it hoing?

Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's the rigors of dystopian living.

Sure, it's fine for other people to grow and change, but when I shapeshift into a giant bloodthirsty she-wolf under a full moon, it's "terrifying," and I'm "no longer welcome in this mini-mart."

I will stop being such a pessimist as soon as the universe gives me a reason to.

Not college, not trade school, but a secret third thing.

(Accepting the tutelage of a powerful sorceress, joining a coven, and raising an army of demons to do your bidding)

Everything being the absolute worst at all times is exhausting.

I hope this email finds you in an alternate reality.

Other girls: I can change him.

Me, a vengeful forest witch: No, I can change him.

Him:*ribbet*

If i had androgynous good looks, an entire goblin kingdom, and the power to transform into an owl, I simply could not be bothered to abduct some annoying, fussy baby.

Don't let other people try to change you. Real change comes from a horrifying near-death experience with a werewolf under a full moon.

Fellas, if shes
-attractive
-always horny
-super into you
-haunting your dreams
-dragon-winged and sharp claws
-devouring your soul

That's not your girlfriend, that's a succubus!

Replying "fine, thanks" when someone asks "how are you"
-bland
-predictable
-suggests tacit approval of pointless social conventions

Replying "impatiently waiting for the old ones to awaken"
-mysterious
-foreboding
-likely to prevent additional mundane chit chat

God: Let's make some bald, self-aware monkeys and put 'em on a planet full of fun stuff like booze and cake! And let's make them completely driven by their urges for these things!

Angel: Sweet! So they just get to enjoy all these treats?

God: Fuck no! That shit will kill them!

You're in his DMs. I'm haunting a portrait in his dilapidated Victorian mansion. We are not the same.

I don't want to be a fairytale princess with puffy gowns and some hanger-on prince. I want to be notorious and live in a chicken-legged hut in the woods.

"Consume the darkness before the darkness consumes you."
-me muttering to my morning coffee

No, I don't have "people skills", I was raised by banshees amid the shadows on the moors.

Imagine living on a planet with kittens and starry skies and and sandwiches and choosing to spend your time terrorizing people.

"It's just a really bad time right now."
- me for several decades.

Anyone else get the sense the universe is using AI to write the plot and we’re all stuck in this storyline that would get you a D in a remedial writing class?

Marshall Law > Martial Law

Marshall Law: woo, designer goods at a discount. Grab your MasterCard, Aunt Carol!

Martial Law: boo, state violence against the citizenry. Grab your Glock, Aunt Carol!

Girls will be like, "This is my comfort food" and it's the entrails of their adversaries.

Sometimes you just gotta go where life takes you, and sometimes life takes you to an abandoned cabin in a forest clearing on a stormy night. Take a chance, go inside!