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Then I'll just have to trick it somehow! >~>

Once again, worry not, for these are just idle musings of someone that's passively suicidal and enjoys entertaining such thoughts. The likelihood of me actually doing something is incredibly low.

As I've said previously, I'm that much of a failure that I would botch it up somehow.

And now for a morbid but curious thought...

If I were to enact such an event, would I time it for it to be 3:30 local time, or would it be more true to form if I were to calculate what time it would be locally when it turns 3:30 in the timezone where the hospital I was born in is located?

I turn 33 at 3:30 AM on the twelfth. In my mind, it sounds like it would be somewhat poetic if I were to plan my own death to happen at that exact time. I've been wanting to for years now. Will this be the year? Probably not... But the temptation is really high this time around.

Bleh... Just as I thought my luck was turning around... Back to taking on water we go... Bank account is once again in the red. I hate this. And that dreaded day I hate is only a couple of days away too... Of course this has to happen...

—and emergency spending goes, I can see land now. I can still feel my health tanking, and I'm incredibly afraid of something else happening, but at this moment I feel like I can breathe a little lighter...

Between the help of some amazing friends and finally getting some work (not much work, but still) I'm down to needing only around £2,000 to get out of this mess I found myself in. Granted, I know my medical costs will probably continue to cost me a pretty arm and a leg, but as far as hospital bills—

I love how I have notification badges for messages on here, but I'll never know what they're about or who they're from because I refuse to verify my age/identity.

Though, just saying, it would be nice if I could at the very least clear the notification even if I can't read them. @bsky.app

Really jealous of video game characters that have pretty and cool deaths rn.

But it has me thinking of cremation and how much I feel like I wouldn't enjoy that. Like, I know if I'm being cremated I'm already long gone, but I just don't like the thought of it. But I also don't like the thought of being buried. Why can't we turn into pretty lights and return to the lifestream?

I'll notice them when I'm going on walks and I usually pay them no mind, but I've been starting to see them inside the house, and they're usually in places where I know nobody else in this place goes.

I'unno... it's just strange and a little eerie. (haha, makes sense as I live right on lake erie)

I'm typically not someone who's paranoid, but lately I've been seeing a lot of strange things where they don't belong and it has me a little freaked out.

I've been seeing ashy hand prints all over the place, inside and out, where it looks like the fingers have been dragging or are incredibly long.

Overall, I'm still taking on water, but I don't feel like I'm in any immediate danger of drowning right now, thanks to the generosity of some really good friends. I'm just hoping I can get by and survive next month, without taking on too much water.

Looks like I need roughly £3,500 to completely get caught up on things (incl. medical bills), and then hopefully be able to breathe for a little while until I get more work hours. Though, at this point I'm just trying to find a job I can do remotely, as I have no viable means of transport right now.

I hate this body. All it has done is caused problems and prevented me from being anything other than entirely dependent on people. Every year something else comes up, every day is coated with a “why do I even bother?” I never asked for any of this... And I know sure as heck neither did my friends...

March is quickly approaching and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to cover rent. I'm not even sure if I can pull myself out of the red to do so. I've really gone and messed everything up... Trying...

All this to say, hey. I know I need help. I just hate asking for it. I hate feeling like I need to even justify asking for it when I know I'm going to struggle without it, I just know there's people that are far more deserving of help out there. Since I don't really have anything to offer in return.

Physically, being shaken as an infant has led to a lot of complications in life, especially with my brain and heart, but constant Crohn's flares, and this sudden onset of seizures we're trying to get to the bottom of both seem to be the main culprits for my recent difficulties. There's more, but...

And of course, as seems to be the norm for this kind of territory, I am indeed trans if that wasn't apparent already. MtF. HRT; E; Prog; high-functioning depression with the added Bipolar-II & Schizoaffective Disorder; constant masking; y'know, the usual.

As a little background, on the payroll I'm a 'consultant', but I am a back-end engineer that's lost their passion and so badly wanting to do something that isn't programming, as its consumed too much of my life to the point I can see myself happy in a cabin in the woods, and no computer in sight.

Now, with the combination of my workplace screwing over everyone, as well as my health preventing me from looking for work elsewhere, and living in a foreign country where I cannot apply for government assistance, now I'm barely able to even touch upon the surface.

As it stands, I'm currently around £6,000 in debt and solely getting by in letting both my US & UK bank accounts go further into the red. When I was getting regular pay it'd help bring me back to the surface, but not quite enough to pull me out, even after getting help from friends.

I'm going to put this here, and I'll try not to take it down because I felt undeserving like I did last time, but please do not feel obligated to help me.

It is true that I am in a very tight spot, but I do not want to put anyone else at a disadvantage if it can be avoided.

paypal.me/zealon

My way of venting and letting it all out, I 'spose. Might not be the most healthiest manner, but still.

Please excuse me for my recent mental breakdowns and crashouts. I know they've been happening more frequently lately. It's inexcusable, but things are just incredibly difficult, and lashing out seems to be the only thing I have any control over, both in starting and stopping.

I just started taking prednisone again, which seems to really trigger my BPD to go into overdrive. I don't want anyone to worry. I was supposed to start taking something to help with that, but my insurance gave me the middle finger. I'm just being a whiny little bitch, don't mind me.

I'm sorry for being this way.

I'll continue my day, wincing in pain, maybe get a little anxious over how I'm going to go about paying for my next meal or how I'm going to cover rent, but then I'm going to go to sleep, have funky dreams and wake up the next day to repeat it all over again. So really, there's no need for a fuss.

Don't waste your time worrying about me. I'm okay except for when I'm not, which seems to be all the time, but that's okay.

Spilled a few tears and had an ugly cry, and guess what? The mania has shifted. Now I just want to distract myself, which seems to be all I'm really good at. What did I say? Everything's fine again, just as it always is, even when I feel like the whole world is telling me otherwise.