Dear Titus: The reason I left you in Crete is that our love is forbidden. An elder must be blameless and faithful to his wife. I’m sorry, it’s just how it has to be. Yours always, Paul. - Titus 1:4-6
Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The only reason irrelevant Alexander doesn’t like me is I refused to visit his failing metalworks - asked many times. Very few customers. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. Sad - 2 Trump 4:14
Christ came to save sinners of whom I’m worst. I was a blasphemer and a violent man who would beat orphans to death while feeding puppies into a woodchipper. And I intend to continue to do so because, as long as I recant on my deathbed, I’ll get off scot-free! - 1 Timothy 1:13-15
And magical unicorns will fart rainbows as they join you in the mystical floaty dance above the clouds. - 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17
For the Lord himself will come down from Heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise and go floating up into the clouds playing little cartoon harps.
And after taking human form, Jesus humbled himself by allowing himself to be pushed out of a lady’s vajoozal in a barn surrounded by filthy animals! The most amazing part of this is that he was 21 years old at the time and had climbed inside as a dare. – Philippians 2:8
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us right in our heavenly places. - Ephesians 1:3
But when the set time had fully come, and the Holy Spirit was fully erect, God sent his Son, born of a woman via spooky ghost boinking, to save us from what his father will do to us if we don’t accept his spirit baby as our sacred life guru. – Galatians 4:4-5
Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift. I’ve always wanted a dead Jesus on a stick! How did he know? – 2 Corinthians 9:15
If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. If it is burned up, the builder will be spanked. If he builds a bondage dungeon, he’ll be rewarded with a spanking. – 1 Corinthians 3:14-15
By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and that foundation was Jesus Christ. In other words, I laid Jesus. We bumped our uglies and it was glorious! – 1 Corinthians 3:10-11
I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, Theodore added fertiliser, Adonis read to it, Atlas shrugged, but ultimately, God has been making it grow. – 1 Corinthians 3:6
What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? And what does the word ‘is’ mean? Oh, for fuck’s sake, I’m so far up my own arse, I’ve turned into Jordan Peterson! – 1 Corinthians 3:5
I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. In fact, I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. I don’t think you’re ready for this, ‘cause the body of Christ is too saviourlicious for ya, babe. – 1 Corinthians 3:2
Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as ‘people’; you’re a little lower down the evolutionary rungs than that. How about ‘quasi-sentient homunculi’? … No, that’s still affording you more dignity than you deserve… – 1 Corinthians 3:1
Paul said, ‘What we have received is the Spirit of God. This is what we speak, not in words but through the medium of interpretive dance.’
Then he moonwalked away whilst pretending to be blown by a gust of wind. – 1 Corinthians 2:12-13
However, as it is written:
‘What no eye has seen,
What no ear has heard,
What no mind has conceived,
What’s slightly squishy when you touch it.
My first is in dare but never in fear.
Err… first word, two syllables…’ – 1 Corinthians 2:9
I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. I’ve been heckled in most of the places I’ve visited, and I was almost too nervous to even climb up on my soapbox here! – 1 Corinthians 2:3
And so, it was with me, brothers and sisters, when I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom. You’ve read my convoluted run-on sentences, and honestly, I’m pulling like 90% of this stuff out of my arse! – 1 Corinthians 2:1
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, he chose the weak things to shame the strong, he chose the lowly to shame the exalted, and he chose you… for some reason. – 1 Corinthians 1:27-28
Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you are wise by human standards; hell, half of you aren’t even smart by woodlouse standards! - 1 Corinthians 1:26
Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For in the wisdom of God, the world through its wisdom did not know him; that was foolish of them. But God was pleased by their foolishness, for the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and any fool can see that. – 1 Corinthians 1:21-25
Where is the wise person? Where is the teacher of the law? Where is the philosopher of this age? Ah, there you are! I need you to walk into that bar to set up a joke. – 1 Corinthians 1:20
I did not baptise any of you except Crispus and Gaius. (Yes, I also baptised the household of Stephanas, Cleophas the baker, I did Demetrius on Tuesday, all the people in the Olive Branch café, and one cat who got splashed; beyond that, I didn’t baptise anyone else!) – 1 Corinthians 1:14-16
I thank God that I did not baptise any of you except Crispus and Gaius. I mean, seriously, it’ll take more than a quick dunking to get the dirt off some of you filthy fuckers! – 1 Corinthians 1:14
I tried to get them to crucify me, but they said they were full. – 1 Corinthians 1:13
Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptised in the name of Paul? Did you give Paul ten percent of your earnings (before taxes)? Does Paul like to speak about himself in the third person? The answer to all of these is YES! …Except the crucifixion part.
Brothers and sisters, Chloe told me you’ve been fighting. One says, ‘I follow Paul’; another, ‘I follow Apollos’; ‘I follow Cephas’; ‘I follow Christ.’ Is there not one among you who follows ME!? Erm… Tertius has just informed me that I AM Paul… Please, disregard this note. – 1 Corinthians 1:11-12
I, Tertius, who wrote down this letter, greet you in the Lord. OWW!! Paul just slapped me and yelled, ‘Shut up, Tertius!’ I was only saying hello… - Romans 16:22
Timothy, my co-worker, sends his greetings to you, as do Lucius, Jason and Sociopater, and little Jimmy. Do you remember little Jimmy? He’s grown so big now! Love to the fam. Toodles! – Romans 16:21
