This breakup could have been an email

Its swimsuit season, I whisper, eating another swimsuit

tiffany they were gay

MREs? oh you mean tactical bento boxes

I just can't stop thinking about it. Surely a high-proof alcohol is going to be antibacterial.

@hankgreen.bsky.social - does drinking alcohol hurt your gut bacteria?

billionaires be like trolley problem or trolley Opportunity

[gas station attendant pulls the premium pump out and lets me sniff the nozzle] *I nod*

Search on Bluesky for a post by myself with the word “fecal” showing zero results

That doesn’t seem right

Before you slam into the back of my Dragula learn my middle name baby girl.

I absolutely love what you've done here.

REMINDER: Regardless of preparation method, everyone should have their bird completely defrosted and cocked to half-spatch by now

The revolution will not be televised

tub of French's Crispy Fried Onions

*uses chopsticks to slowly dip each individual casseroled bean, one at a time, like a fun dip lik-a-stik, while never breaking eye contact

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

If I managed a baseball team I’d say things like ‘that kid’s got moxie’ while spitting out sunflower seeds onto the grass in front of the dugout. The seeds would spell ‘I am terrified of intimacy’

What is the "Pant" of the pants?

A chicken stands in front of an illustrated fast food chicken drive-thru menu board.

Annette tried to visit the memorial at least once a month and take time to remember her beloved Frankie, gone too soon from this world.

Sun flag looking like it's giving a boat captain a back rub.

Captain: I'm really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don't worry, big guy. You got this.

Let dogs choose their own names like I did with Bark and BarkBark

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

he's trynna fuck those farm animals wtf....

this could be us but you playin'

Incredible use of the medium, you gotta click through and read the bios

go.bsky.app/KDY26rh

Could tonight be the night?

Thomas the tank engine with a butt

New goal: ensure that at least ONE contrarian bore with a prestige media job writes a scolding column about Bluesky that mentions the train with a butt