crimesididntcommit🏳️‍⚧️

i am very broke and you should buy my music because it is very awesome!!!!

socks are the condoms of the foot. pants are the condoms of the legs. shirts are the

action movies must be horror movies for henchmen. imagine being a henchman and watching a john wick or a jean claude van damme movie. you’re witnessing your own slaughter

i am terrified of tall older men because of all of the violence in liam neeson movies

i am very broke and you should buy my music because it is very awesome!!!!

the face of a girl who was moments away from finding out her car wouldn’t start lol

insanely jealous of everyone who lives anywhere with remotely functional public transit rn lol

i love having car trouble, actually!!!! it makes me feel good and gets me off!!!!!

the gay of hormuz is wide open, boys

read my lips: i am gay

[gay siskel and ebert] this one gets two dicks, way up!!!

the public turning on timothee chalamet 2 weeks before the oscars:

he’s the source of all earthly joy

it’s a failure of every casting agent in the business that mickey rourke hasn’t been cast as a caveman in the last 20 years

i just said the words "happy st paddy's week!!!" and my friend said "that is a wildly alcoholic thing to say"

every single gay person on earth when they’re remotely sleepy:

i’m being emailed by bodacious babes

increasingly certain that most political journalists were the types of kids who cried when somebody got their nose and who really thought lucy was gonna let charlie brown kick the football every time

i once lived out the entire plot of the lighthouse with mariah carey. we still laugh about it sometimes

she was a fool!!!

just remembered when a teacher got mad at me because we had to do powerpoint presentations on our strengths and weaknesses and for weaknesses i just listed fire, knives and bullets

pragmatically masturbating

noooo don’t add ironic twists to all my wishes being granted, teaching the audience life lessons about greed, shortcuts and expectations

it tricked me. a genie granted my three wishes and it tricked me. i can’t fuckin believe it

it’s very easy to achieve all your goals and realize all your dreams if you’re a magical woodland creature

dan bongino has been spotted attempting to give himself the heimlich maneuver after getting a novelty plastic decoration from a cupcake lodged in his throat

people emit beams of unearthly purple light from their mouth and eyes sometimes. it’s just a thing we all can do

self-driving vehicles offer drunk drivers an incredible opportunity to endanger just as many other people, but without the legal responsibility, and i think we should all appreciate that

watched a man who looked like a less healthy alex jones stare at a closed liquor store’s hours sign, shrug disappointedly and then turn around, dejected by the torment of time