andy vs.

😌

Get rid of the mines? I think this is a job for @im-all-id.me

wtf, i think my stomach is dialing aol

Getting the supreme car wash because I love sour cream

cleaning my vacuum cleaner, thereby becoming a vacuum cleaner. in this essay i

after several intense and incredible years building @francesmeh.reviews from the ground up, i've decided to step back from my responsibilities as chief posting officer in order to transition into a new role as vice president of fucking your mom

don't try to abstract me with lust

or do, it'll work

which bad bitch got served divorce papers this morning, went and did two back to back interviews, and got offered a job this afternoon?

THIS BAD BITCH 🙋🏻‍♀️💅

babe who tf is jay peg

her: i would do unspeakable things to you

me: *hands her a pen and paper*

whistling along to Kid Cudi with much vibrato

Like this post if you’re a chopped unc

I keep my hands at 10 and 2, but not sure what you mean by steering wheel.

THEM: omg they look just like you

ME: did you just call my baby ugly

there’s no way ai will ever be as good as my hamburger helper

When Stuart Little has a flat he calls aaa

new poop puns are dropping

i read my 6yo niece some of your skeets and she said your jokes are mid and need more poop

a giant ravioli filled with lasagna

You have to make it to fall if you want that hour back

I don’t want much. Just constant validation and someone to play with my hair.

“It’s a price worth paying” is easy to say when you’re not paying shit.

Your pool hustler name is the state you lost your virginity in followed by the meanest adjective a small child has ever used to describe you.

Prescription goose honk cancelling headphones

Camel cigarette ad, Joe Camel is smoking while steering a sailboat

best time to smoke is windsurfing

there is nothing more humbling than getting passport photos taken

extremely turned on after watching a dude take 2-3 seconds to make sure he recycled his soda can in the right bin

dog amazon be like "since you bought STICK you may also be interested in: STICK, BIG STICK, BALL"

has anyone gone crazy making candles, I need to know before I try it

Grown ass man using swiffer as a verb