Andy Watts

Imagine working at the royal mint where they print money. Your salary is, take some.

I love putting a duvet cover in a duvet sheet. It’s like I’m tucking the duvet in before it tucks me in.

Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar? How about I guess how many jars surround those jellybeans

ATMs exchange money in return for money

A lot of of kids talk about being sent to the ‘naughty step’. But I lived in a bungalow. So I lived in a childhood free of consequences.

A toy monster truck is a ridiculous concept. Oh you've got a little version of the thing that's only cool because it's big? Shut up

A truck is a limo for cargo

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the helicopter and so inadvertently invented the propellor hat

They could really do with sign posting the Minotaur's Labyrinth

Stairmasters are lame. They should make a bannister-master that I can slide down forever.

Getting so old you install a stairlift just to climb your stairmaster

Before paper was invented we wrote on stone tablets. So books back in the day were so expensive because they were literally all hard back.

Wearing gloves during the palm reading because I want my future to remain a mystery

I don’t play strip poker because it’s sexy, I play strip poker to win clothes. I invite all my fashion friends round and try to win their wide leg trousers.

My girlfriend didn't find my edible underwear very erotic. That being said she had only just worked her way through my edible jeans.

Oil is made from dinosaur bones. The gas station is just a liquid version of the natural history museum.

I want to pick the thoughts out of your head like a monkey does ticks

As an act of revenge my teacher wrote me a note to get me out of my doctor’s appointment

I was voted class clown at school. But it was clown school so the other kids were extremely jealous.

They should let my bank account be full of artefacts

I'm wise beyond my years, but also old beyond my years so it evens out

The page numbers in books are always so predictable. I much prefer the words above them.

in sniper school, the seats are waaaayyy far back in the auditorium

sniper's wife: idk, i just don't feel like you're being yourself lately. you've not been very distant at all.

If you're conceived during The Mile High Club, you have a risk of being born with jet lag

I have pre-traumatic stress disorder just waiting for bad stuff to happen

Being scared of heights is so stupid. You’re scared of the ground? It’s literally nowhere near you right now 😂😂😂

You should always dress for the job you want. I, for example, want to be a plain clothes police officer

Checked my petri dish this morning and my amoebas must have broken free. If anyone sees them, please let me know.

A petri dish is a jail cell for an amoeba