fesshole 🧻

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Had our drive done. The guy who did it left an ad board at the front to show it off. After 9 months I moved it. Three months later, the guy's just been round asking if his team had picked it up. "Well it's not here" I said. And it's not. I took it went to the tip two weeks ago.

Sometimes when I really fancy a pizza I'll order a Chinese or an Indian instead because I'm hopelessly addicted to getting more of the free tupperware it comes in.

Underwear used to last me for years. Since turning fifty, I go through it at an incredible rate. The gusset just decomposes. My middle-aged balls seem to have become corrosive.

Had to do one of those things where you tell your kids class what your job is. I walked out of there genuinely having no idea what the point of my job is and I now want to jack it in for something with a definitive purpose. The money traps me though.

When I had my firstborn, I had a shit camera so just googled "newborn baby pics" and sent the best one to my family, to lots of "awwws". If anybody noticed the difference when I switched to real pictures next day, using a decent camera, they didn't say so

A few years ago I did the laundry too hot and it shrunk the clothes. I realised straight away and got them dried before my partner saw. I put them back in the laundry basket and waited for her to wash them. Then they disappeared. Neither of us ever mentioned it

Worked for an independent BMW/MINI retailer & if you ever had a full stop, after your name on a letter or invoice it wasn't a typo. It was an internal note that you were an arsehole.

I've swapped my true crime comfort reading/watching to true mountaineering disasters. I take great pleasure in seeing privileged men unaliving themselves with poor decision making, and underestimating nature. It's surprisingly uplifting.

My dad gave me £100 to take my uni corridor mates out for a curry to celebrate my birthday. I spent it all on magic mushrooms and went to see Keith Harris and Orville. I woke up in hospital with an injury that has scarred my face permanently. No idea what happened. Fesshole GOLD from 2nd January 2021

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For the first time ever, I shaved my beard this morning, starting by the moustache, meaning I have not done any of the usual moustache styles before finishing: handlebars, pencil, dictator. I'm in my fifties yet feel like I betrayed myself.

I used to watch a porn actress but unsubscribed from her channel years ago because at the start of one of her videos she was reading The Daily Telegraph before the man arrives and they start bonking. Daily Telegraph can go hang.

Got binned after 18 years during Covid. Had to go and take my laptop and bits back so with no one in the building went into the meeting rooms and drew cocks and balls on random pages on the flip charts for when they returned to work

If I'm in a public toilet and I hear someone walk in who sounds like they're in a rush, I'll stay in the cubicle an extra five minutes scrolling X and occasionally making a 'heavy lifting' grunt. I don't even need a poo. I just enjoy the power of the queue.

I told my partner I was fluent in French on our first date. Five years later, we're moving to Lyon for his job. I've spent £2,000 on intensive tutoring in the last three weeks. I'm currently at 'The cat is under the table' level. I am terrified.

Never follow up on drunk pub conversations. One morning my partner found laptop still on with google search for "Bonnie Langford naked". She can't stop laughing and has told all her friends.

I sit in the garden shed for two hours a day, sometimes longer. The family thinks I am tinkering with mechanisms and they don't disturb me.I just sit in silence and peace away from their problems.

Instead of dunking biscuits in tea, sometimes when I feel lazy I place 10 or 12 biscuits in a bowl and pour the hot milky tea on top, then eat it with a dessert spoon. I love it but nobody can see me eat it.

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On days I am required to give presentations to management at work, I wear extra-thick padded bras.

Everytime I fly I tell the stewards that I'm severely allergic to nuts. I'm not but it just a little win against the loud eaters

I am terrified of being caught looking at female colleagues' cleavage. Out of cosmic self-defence, when speaking with a female colleague, I look everywhere else except at them. They probably think I'm a weirdo.

We were having a work picnic in a local park and naturally all stood up and cheered when a helicopter landed nearby. it was only then that we realised it was an air ambulance for the local children's hospital with a critically ill kid inside.

A pink balloon gently blows around traffic stopped at the lights, disappearing underneath my car. On the pavement, a sad little girl is looking around saying "where's my balloon??". Lights change. Bang. Felt like a murderer.

When on a busy train/tube or in a boring meeting, I play a game where I count the number of people on a row of seats and that is the number of shags I can have. I then distribute these shags among the people I find attractive. I know it's shallow, but it passes the time.

I went interrailing in the mid 00s. Got the train from Bristol Temple Meads to Reading, had a panic attack, then got the next train back. Spent the rest of the summer playing Metal Gear Solid 3. Friends still think I travelled around France.

I've been a paramedic a few years now and let me tell you. Old dudes dying of a heart attach in bed with beautiful ladies, never happens. But over half of our cardiac incidents are guys wanking alone in front of a screen. Might be because of the city where I work, I guess.

I train & handle drug sniffer dogs for the Navy. Once spent several days turning over a battleship from top to bottom after the dog kept giving clear sign. Truth is I'd realised a couple of hours in I'd brought the explosives dog by mistake but it'd gone too far by then Fesshole GOLD from 31st December 2020

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull, Glasgow, Luton & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and Anon Opin hits Glasgow. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

At the weekend, I sat my wife and kids down and confessed to my crippling gambling addiction. I've never gambled in my life, but it's a explains where all our money has went a little better than my regular escort and powder binges.

Every weekend my wife makes me a list of chores to be done, with the heading JOBS. I always add 'Steve' to the end of the list as a little act of rebellion. I still do the jobs.