fesshole 🧻

When the wife isn't home, I like drifting my RC cars around the dining room table. Now she's asking about the scuff marks on the hardwood floor and I don't know what to do. Help.

Been getting the same train for the past year. The same person sits opposite me every day. This morning we struck a conversation. Needless to say I won't be getting that train again. Worried they're thinking the same and we both end up getting the same train again.

Aged about ten, I threw a friend's new toy boomerang and it landed on a roof and broke in two. The boomerang never came back, but the guilt periodically does.

So I got ghosted for the first time in my life recently and it felt horrible… So last night after a couple of drinks I decided to un-ghost people I've done it to.

It seemed like a decent thing to do until I woke up this morning to a load of disgruntled people in my WhatsApp

When my three year old son is sat on the loo doing a poo, he pulls a face that looks just like Michael Gove and it haunts me.

One Christmas me and my sister got matching ghetto blasters, mine broke, I sneakily swapped it for hers, parents took it back but was out of stock, the shop replaced it with a better one, gutted

My then gf's pet rat died; she didn't have a garden so asked to bury it in mine. I told her where was a good spot, left a spade out, and she did it while I was at work. Unfortunately it wasn't very deep so my cat dug it up and ate it. We're now married and she must never know.

My wife and I guess what shape the chocolate is in the advent calendar, and whoever guesses correctly gets to eat it. Last year I got my mate to buy the same calendar, and he'd leak the shape to me every morning. I won 24 times. Fesshole GOLD from 3rd January 2021

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My husband doesn't bother to listen to anything I say so I've stopped telling him anything about myself. It's just delivery of information now. He hasn't noticed. I'm gutted but I'll never leave because of the children.

We have a set of mugs at home that are all the same style, but different colours. One colour I personally dislike over all the others. If im pissed off with my wife I make her coffee using the worst coloured mug. That will show her.

As long as I've taken the train, I must always take the third car from the front, and stand directly above a traction motor to hear the hum properly. Standing elsewhere is just wrong.

Once when the business was on it's knees, I borrowed £2,000 in cash from my childs savings, it got paid back in a few weeks, but the woman at the counter accidentally gave me £2,500 by mistake. I watched her count it and quitely walked out without saying a word. Saved my bacon.

Just lying in bed doom scrolling, caught my reflection in the phone and realised I look like Andrew Mountbaton-Windsor in the back of a police car.

I work in a call centre. There is one repeat customer who is incredibly rude and always shouts down the phone at us. We found a picture of them on their company page. The picture is stuck on the staff room dartboard and is replaced with the same picture every second Tuesday.

I grew up abroad so was unfamiliar with some of the events at a school sports day. When I was asked to organise the egg and spoon race it didn't occur to me that I should hand out raw eggs. I gave each child a spoon of egg salad.

Late 70s. I coveted my friends Blake's 7 liberator toy and stole it from his bedroom. He cried thinking he'd lost it. I felt guilty & covertly put it back where he would 'find' it. Never stole anything else again in my life

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Had our drive done. The guy who did it left an ad board at the front to show it off. After 9 months I moved it. Three months later, the guy's just been round asking if his team had picked it up. "Well it's not here" I said. And it's not. I took it went to the tip two weeks ago.

Sometimes when I really fancy a pizza I'll order a Chinese or an Indian instead because I'm hopelessly addicted to getting more of the free tupperware it comes in.

Underwear used to last me for years. Since turning fifty, I go through it at an incredible rate. The gusset just decomposes. My middle-aged balls seem to have become corrosive.

Had to do one of those things where you tell your kids class what your job is. I walked out of there genuinely having no idea what the point of my job is and I now want to jack it in for something with a definitive purpose. The money traps me though.

When I had my firstborn, I had a shit camera so just googled "newborn baby pics" and sent the best one to my family, to lots of "awwws". If anybody noticed the difference when I switched to real pictures next day, using a decent camera, they didn't say so

A few years ago I did the laundry too hot and it shrunk the clothes. I realised straight away and got them dried before my partner saw. I put them back in the laundry basket and waited for her to wash them. Then they disappeared. Neither of us ever mentioned it

Worked for an independent BMW/MINI retailer & if you ever had a full stop, after your name on a letter or invoice it wasn't a typo. It was an internal note that you were an arsehole.

I've swapped my true crime comfort reading/watching to true mountaineering disasters. I take great pleasure in seeing privileged men unaliving themselves with poor decision making, and underestimating nature. It's surprisingly uplifting.

My dad gave me £100 to take my uni corridor mates out for a curry to celebrate my birthday. I spent it all on magic mushrooms and went to see Keith Harris and Orville. I woke up in hospital with an injury that has scarred my face permanently. No idea what happened. Fesshole GOLD from 2nd January 2021

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull, Glasgow, Luton & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and Anon Opin hits Glasgow. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

For the first time ever, I shaved my beard this morning, starting by the moustache, meaning I have not done any of the usual moustache styles before finishing: handlebars, pencil, dictator. I'm in my fifties yet feel like I betrayed myself.

I used to watch a porn actress but unsubscribed from her channel years ago because at the start of one of her videos she was reading The Daily Telegraph before the man arrives and they start bonking. Daily Telegraph can go hang.

Got binned after 18 years during Covid. Had to go and take my laptop and bits back so with no one in the building went into the meeting rooms and drew cocks and balls on random pages on the flip charts for when they returned to work

If I'm in a public toilet and I hear someone walk in who sounds like they're in a rush, I'll stay in the cubicle an extra five minutes scrolling X and occasionally making a 'heavy lifting' grunt. I don't even need a poo. I just enjoy the power of the queue.