flamby ✨🐝

500 likes and I'll call out tomorrow and get day drunk and play video games

tinker taylor soldier swift

Worked out by running from a bee.

it's eerie how garbage pail kids basically predicted my dating pool

I don't need fun to have alcohol.

If it’s over everyone’s head or has a typo please return it, it’s mine.

Farting (carefully)

Subaru spelled backwards is ur a bus.

Do with that information what you will

wearing a high visibility vest while posting so the verification team can see me better

I wish I had 5 million dollars, just like my dad.

He also wished he had 5 million dollars.

normalize spending thousands of dollars on outfits for stuffed animals

keep them on their toes by stealing their adderall

fuck daylight to be honest

No babe I love the plume of noxious gas you release every time you evolve

okay yes I read the invite but this is my wedding hoodie

mile high club must be all rich people and flight attendants cuz i can barely wipe a booty in here let alone tap one???

the correct verb is sweef

Grown ass man using swiffer as a verb

i'm pretty neurotypical if i was a cat

some of you have done very little to pump up the jam and it shows

my baby might have screamed through half the plane ride but at least i didn't leave my overhead seat lights on like a fucking savage

overheard at the airport: "we're getting the rental car and we're going to fucking waffle house"

if i ever design a house it's gonna be filled with giant hamster tubes

i've done a lot worse for a lot less

what would you do for a slightly used klondike bar

taking my baby on a plane ride let's all get ready to suffer

The sacred light of the device brings us all together again

The gap in my resumé? My best years going slowly down the drain.

a restaurant without free refills is a thirst trap

something underappreciated about Trump is that nobody loves falling asleep in boring, interminable meetings more than him