flamby ✨🐝

revoking all reply guy licences

thought about saving the world today but this tag in my jeans is being weird

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

When Stuart Little has a flat he calls aaa

My dentist told me the pure of heart don’t need to floss

Getting the supreme car wash because I love sour cream

Nonbinary barista named Moss

Need a woman I can call supreme leader

Shoutout to weather keeping awkward conversations alive

I’ve taken “no offense” out of my lexicon. Get mad, bitch, idc

looking to spice things up in the bedroom? try this one trick, all you need is a box of spiders

depression-flavored redbull

Terrifying if literal: a headbutt

What if I steal your nose and run away

malcolm in the middle of the intersection, causing a traffic jam

found a full sleeve of ritz crackers in the pocket of my raincoat which may be the homeliest thing i ever said in my life

family feud but it's junkyard dogs vs alley cats

i want to fart a fart so grand it lifts me off the couch for a second

don't cha wish your gf was hotttt like me
don't cha wish your gf was lowkey afraid of microwaves like me

don't chaaaa

genie: and for your last wish?

me: I wish I could talk to animals

[later at the zoo]

elephant: get me the fuck out of here

gorilla: get me the fuck out of here

giraffe: get me the fuck out of here

i’ve decided to be less stupid going forward

what's the difference between your, you're and new york in the 90s

it’s just too many dalmatians tbh

we need a disney princess with ibs

2026 Frank Sinatra: Stop spreading the news

my work emails are starting to read like shitposts, and my shitposts read like, please advise.

500 likes and I'll call out tomorrow and get day drunk and play video games

tinker taylor soldier swift

Worked out by running from a bee.

it's eerie how garbage pail kids basically predicted my dating pool