[Big Scream]

*on phone with friend*
Me: So did the orb pass cleanly through your body, or did it leave behind a fine chitinous residue of harming?
Wife: Who is that?
Me: *covers phone* Jerry had another orb incident
Wife: Ah dang poor guy

Haha... oh fuck.

You make my heart go [deafening Tim the Tool-Man Taylor grunt SFX]

Oh, you're a tug-boat captain?

Pervert.

Joaquin Phoenix should be called Joaquin Penguin because Phoenix don't walk.

Massive W's

Emotionally stuntin like I'm on the fucken X-Games

Me: I think I'm gonna do some more crunches
Friend: You gonna go to the gym?
Me: *opening a second bag of chips* The what?

Always need to keep popcorn on hand!

I used to get horny thinking about squares and rectangles but recently I've come full circle

Isohorny for solvents

Me: *smugly* Well, these pants ain't gonna shit themselves.
Taco Bell Worker: Please stop coming here

*parries a balanced breakfast right outta my fucken mouth*

How's this for a cold open, SNL?
*breaks into a mausoleum*

Got trapped in a non-euclidean briney cucumber.

I'm in a surreal pickle.

Eating spicy food can straight up change my star sign from Aquarius to Sagi-tore-me-ass

Me: I really gotta give It to ya
Character in Stephen King's "It": *bloodcurdling screams*

Her: What are you packing? 🫦
Me: It's a glock
Her: You have a gun?!
Me: *pulls out glockenspiel* No

Paint thinner? *disappointed head shaking*

Paint thiccer? *emphatic nodding*

Me: *getting all tear-y-eyed*
Optometrist: *trying not to throw up*

Ear doctor: Don’t use Q-Tips
Me already imagining putting a screw driver I found in the driveway in my ear when I get home: I womt

[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat]

…bunk coffins

[my wife doing stacked hands motion]

like…double decker

I'm Fogmaxxing
Getting into Bogmaxxing
Dabbling in Sogmaxxing

I'm creatch-maxxing

*maxxing my creature tendencies*

Beat Off? Do I look like a mosquito or something?? *like a tick or maybe some other bitey buggo*

I do this for the love of the game.

Me: I'm thinking about getting ratptured
Friend: Is that supposed to be a weird rapture pun?
Me: *visions of a thousand rats dragging me to hell* Haha no.

[OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR]
*nervously watching the inevitable collapse of society loom large*

Collapse my wave function so I know it's real

ACRAB

All
CRabsArecraBs