[Big Scream]

Can't sleep, all I can think about are legumes.
I'm having a lentil breakdown

Ironic Jelqing

“ah well, there’s your problem,” I confidently say as I point to myself

Friend: Sorry I can't hang out, just really bogged down with work
Me: *rapidly sinking into an ancient swamp* Same.

Borat voice anything will never not elicit a smirk

Stay together for the cryptids

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting my socks on while standing up] I do my own stunts too.

*on phone with friend*
Me: So did the orb pass cleanly through your body, or did it leave behind a fine chitinous residue of harming?
Wife: Who is that?
Me: *covers phone* Jerry had another orb incident
Wife: Ah dang poor guy

Haha... oh fuck.

You make my heart go [deafening Tim the Tool-Man Taylor grunt SFX]

Oh, you're a tug-boat captain?

Pervert.

Joaquin Phoenix should be called Joaquin Penguin because Phoenix don't walk.

Massive W's

Emotionally stuntin like I'm on the fucken X-Games

Me: I think I'm gonna do some more crunches
Friend: You gonna go to the gym?
Me: *opening a second bag of chips* The what?

Always need to keep popcorn on hand!

I used to get horny thinking about squares and rectangles but recently I've come full circle

Isohorny for solvents

Me: *smugly* Well, these pants ain't gonna shit themselves.
Taco Bell Worker: Please stop coming here

*parries a balanced breakfast right outta my fucken mouth*

How's this for a cold open, SNL?
*breaks into a mausoleum*

Got trapped in a non-euclidean briney cucumber.

I'm in a surreal pickle.

Eating spicy food can straight up change my star sign from Aquarius to Sagi-tore-me-ass

Me: I really gotta give It to ya
Character in Stephen King's "It": *bloodcurdling screams*

Her: What are you packing? 🫦
Me: It's a glock
Her: You have a gun?!
Me: *pulls out glockenspiel* No

Paint thinner? *disappointed head shaking*

Paint thiccer? *emphatic nodding*

Me: *getting all tear-y-eyed*
Optometrist: *trying not to throw up*

Ear doctor: Don’t use Q-Tips
Me already imagining putting a screw driver I found in the driveway in my ear when I get home: I womt

[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat]

…bunk coffins

[my wife doing stacked hands motion]

like…double decker

I'm Fogmaxxing
Getting into Bogmaxxing
Dabbling in Sogmaxxing