Trish

Not usually.

‘Fingers crossed today’s the day’ as an alternative.

Key’s trying his best.

I had a 3 hour nap today.

I hope you told them to go past C&A and left at Woolworths.

Minty and salty? Definitely not a stroke?

The literary aficionados at the Edinburgh Festival who attended Tim Key’s book launch with Daniel Kitson also had a deeply confusing experience.

I had a lovely time.

Well now I’m officially a Fanatic. Sounds a bit too energetic if I’m honest, not really my style. I’m more supportive in a more relaxed way, more Watzen. I look forward to the shenanigans.

Opium is the only sensible choice. Imagine the chaos if you were on coke.

He wants your sparkling elderflower water.

I hope they don’t respond with aggression. Stay safe!

Giving you side eye

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I left the house today after 5 days. I hope you feel better soon and get some delicious biccies!

Irish parents too. The shame!

I’ve grieved an abandoned tea. You just have to find a way to carry on.

We are generation ‘Snooker Loopy’. I know every word and occasionally sing it to myself as I search for where I parked my car less than an hour previously.

You’ll be scanning your retinas soon enough.

No apologies - just be kind to you, you’re doing your best! Have a nice day.

No, future boarding school housemistress right there!

Can you be a bit nicer to my friend (you) please. I know for a fact you are not in anyway useless. Enjoy your delicious coffee!

Congratulations on your IBS diagnosis!

It’s a strange old place. The adverts on my local fuel pumps are paper signs for Krispy Kreme donuts and coffee. And we wander in and pay after we fill up. It’s far from perfect here but we don’t have stuff relentlessly shoved in our faces. Thoughts and prayers, as is customary I believe.

Well I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day, so I’m saying it was Jesus because no one does Lent properly anymore. Lock it in.

Is the half dead tree a clue? Is that an olive tree? Calum means ‘dove’, doves carrying olive branches is pretty classic. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, I have the flu and the fevers are definitely making me slightly delirious. Carry on.

At least you’ve got waffles.

Can’t wait to listen, I love Fatiha El-Ghorri.

Valentina can have all the snacks!

I can see the mistrial coming. Any eventual defendant is just going to make excuses due to interference from an unsecured device and a lack of file safety at the Moorfields Premier Inn.

Fine.