Me: How much snow did you get last night? We got 8 or 10 inches
Electrician: That's what she said
Narrator: That sure as fuck is not what she said
13.03.2026 14:22
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Me: How much snow did you get last night? We got 8 or 10 inches
Electrician: That's what she said
Narrator: That sure as fuck is not what she said
in my defense your honor, Bart Simpson established a long time ago that it wasn’t safe for anyone to lay a finger on someone else’s butterfinger, so..
Coughing outside is just a public display of infection.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
bought a megaphone so I can call various wild animals to my house and make them my friends
If she enjoys sports and documentaries about serial killers, she’s a keeper
the computer should make fun of you the whole time you use it
Run? Are you kidding me?
The only thing I run is my mouth
Cats appreciate having regal names reflecting their personalities and I think Count Sofashredder and Baron Von Kärpetbarfür would agree
Yo people, why pick up kids from school if they have to go there again tomorrow?
Thanks for the rejection letter two months later. Glad we cleared up that time has no meaning.
I'll be honest, there’s at least one mean bone in my body.
*speaking to my daughter’s class on career day*
anyone want to go outside & see a dead bird?
I don’t want to make everything about me but I wish stores were required to stash jellybeans under the counter where I cannot see them
I'm a visual learner, if you show me you're a cunt, I learn from it.
her: hey that was a real dick move
me: I’m sorry but it does that when it’s happy
~ and that was the last time she asked me to rub suntan lotion onto her back
quality is always better than quantity
I’m usually a pretty cheerful person
but today is definitely a fuck everything kinda day
I don't want to say I was poor growing up, but the Adidas my mom got me had four stripes.
This meeting could’ve been a sticky-note.
Just watched my neighbour use a lighter to try to look inside the gas tank of his truck
Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore
me: lol wait I blinked, do it again
cop taking my mugshot: no
cheeseburger so good you forget that you’re driving
Every day I am thankful my balls do not have eyes.
*pressing my ear to the asphalt*
A Blockbuster once stood here…
cars should have toilets
bigfoot would be a good name for a clown
eating a banana to increase my banana levels
if i had a stun gun i wouldn’t tell anyone so when i stunned them they’d be super stunned
just saw myself in the mirror
amazingly, still look like I did in my thirties
fucked up