Travis comma bitch

I nearly let my mind run free at one point today but then my survival instinct kicked in

Be myself? I'd be institutionalized within an hour

And I have always known that you were capable. Proud of u

Always be prepared!

keeping plenty on my floorboards in wait

I used to wake up early to go to the gym before work, but then I learned about sleeping in and not

We were supposed to be fueling our cars with garbage by now

Getting the supreme car wash because I love sour cream

Know Your Birds:
Pigeon - Default bird
Seagull - Noisy bird
Dog - This one isn't a bird
Kangaroo - Neither is this one
Octopus - Also not a bird

Never again

If they'd just held the event one day later...

This happened to me once

I'm well aware. That's why I have to floss........................ tomorrow

I'm just glad to see her smiling again

Yeah I experimented with coke when I was younger (dissolved various things in soda for a science fair)

the new york times post captioned “here are the suggested serving sizes of common household supplies that surprised us the most” with a photo of a glob of white goo in the palm of a hand

gotta be another way to do this

Are we allowed to get the rest of the Epstein files now?

Electing this guy twice is really bad. But the real reason the US cannot be trusted is that it has been unable to impeach him.

"man, daylight saving time really hit me hard this year," i say, as the sundowning white christian nationalist president rambles about how it's "fun" to sink military ships in a war of aggression he opened by bombing a school on my television

I saved daylight, but who will save me?

I'll just floss tomorrow

Absolutely not! That's a SkillShare™ promise

this is autobiographical

not tonight honey, I’ve got a date with Tylenol PM®

It's strange how we're having the same random experience on the same day

I'm locked in

I hope you got a nap out of the deal!

I'm distraught. I may have to take a pass just this once

I can't believe it's almost 4pm already. It feels like it's not even 3 yet.

My dearest Martha, we took heavy losses today at the Battle of Senor Frogs…