Ed Fox, Secret Chimp

I can recite pi to 1000 digits if I add 997 zeroes in front of the 3.14.

I tried, but I could get through only 3.14 episodes of Magnum PI.

Not to brag, but this time next week I'll be sitting here checking social media.

I used the syrup container at Waffle House, and now my fingers are permanently stuck together like Rab's in Johnny Tremain.

Pro tip: Your airplane neck pillow doubles as a toilet seat cover.

Back that mazz up.
- Joule-venile, rapping physicist

"If you have only two drink sizes, ma'am, you can't have a Large and a Medium! The Medium is really a Small! You need three drink sizes to have a Medium!"

Anyway, that's how I got kicked out of Subway.

I learned the importance of sneezes as battlefield weapons.

Most of my post-Civil-War knowledge of 1800s US history comes from the 2-season docuseries F-Troop.

i feel like this is all happening cause we stopped pumping up the jam

If you accidentally overpay the full balance on your credit card, you should able to charge 29.9% interest until they pay you your money.

At 2:00am, I received an emergency alert on my phone about nearby tornadoes. It said to seek shelter immediately!

Anyway, I read about it when I woke up this morning.

The main ingredient in Three Bean Salad is revenge.

Cold hotdogs are redneck sushi.

Fighting for truth, justice, and the Uzbek way.
- Clark Tashkent

All problems in America can be traced back the trauma experienced watching Pinky Tuscadero almost die in the Malachi Crunch.

For my next year's birthday, I want a surprise birthday party where I don't show up, so the surprise is on you, sitting quietly in the dark.

The general public would be amazed at the tapestry of profanity running through every teacher's head all day long.

Fun baptism prank: Grind up Alka Seltzer and smear it on your baby's head before handing it to the priest.

my superpower is inspiring people to talk while i’m talking

Sounds like teaching should be your calling.

I'd watch a Bad Bunny performance opposite the SOTU.

How much writing do I actually have to have done to claim I'm "writing a novel?" If it's zero, I'm writing a novel.

Autocorrect changed "zika" to "Zima," so I inadvertently posted about a Zima scare, which is also appropriate.

The only thing that stops a bad teacher with a gun is a National Board Certified teacher with a gun.

[octopus mom when octopus child is misbehaving] i am going to count to EIGHT

Foggy

This should be the Quotation of the Year.

It's a good thing Washington & Lincoln were born close together, otherwise we'd be celebrating Presidents Day in late November for Zachary Taylor & Franklin Pierce.

Fun fact: In WWII, every U.S. tank crew was required to have a guy named Ramrod.