Me and my dog used to talk about our balls a lot.
“You’ve got balls and I’ve got balls too,” he’d say. “We’ve both got balls!” I miss him so much.
07.03.2026 18:36
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Me and my dog used to talk about our balls a lot.
“You’ve got balls and I’ve got balls too,” he’d say. “We’ve both got balls!” I miss him so much.
[ceo] lets pay women less than men for the same jobs
[2026] hehe and lets take an hour away from their international day 😈
okay yes I read the invite but this is my wedding hoodie
im not taking a blood alcohol level test because i already know ive passed
quit smoking weed last week and just realized that “remembering shit” isn’t a superpower
I don't like your attitude, people with good attitudes.
When you block me I make a funny little noise like a bluetooth speaker disconnecting
women: (on international women's day) finally a day for me
men: (on the same day) BABE I CAN'T FIND MY HOUR, HAVE YOU SEEN MY HOUR, I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE
you should eat healthier but also a salad costs $40 now
I have children I’m used to my texts being ignored
so much ignorance, so little bliss
And they shall know me by the trail of sesame seeds from my morning bagel.
My new rescue cat is so smart
interviewer: can I get your references?
me: *sighing* probably not; nobody else does
If you mail some teeth to the courthouse, they'll excuse you from jury duty
Just FYI- None of you are in my will.
What the hell time is it even anyway
me: I wish there was an extra nugget in this six pack
genie: that was your third wish, what the fuck is wrong with you
Me, as a kid: *used to drink water out of a hose
Me, as an adult: *refuses to drink unfiltered water
one less hour on international women’s day for me to be wrong about something
The frozen pizza is marked that it's best before December 1st. I better make it now and not take any chances.
I thought there was no way my wife and I could get a table on Valentine’s Day without a reservation, but the server at Arby’s said we could sit anywhere.
My mom knows a better way to get there in case your uber driver needs any help
kinda sucks that there's only one day a year it's acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
If a man isn’t treating you right, you should ghost him, and buy that I mean unleash a terrifying spectral spirt to torment him day and night
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
