NewsThump

You gonna eat that? The perfect T-shirt for seaside survivors and chip-defence veterans. Grab yours before the gulls do. In a range of colours and with free UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/jrobUa3

Number of days since Joey Barton’s last violent assault reverts back to zero The number of days since Joey Barton last violently attacked someone has reverted back to zero…. again.

NEWS! Number of days since Joey Barton's last violent assault reverts back to zero newsthump.com/2026/03/10/n...

XL Bully named Tyson wins hardest dog at Crufts 2026 An XL Bully named Tyson has been crowned the hardest dog at Crufts 2026. Handled by owner Simon Williams, the victorious American XL fought off, quite literally, thousands of other soft arse compet…

NEWS! XL Bully named Tyson wins hardest dog at Crufts 2026 newsthump.com/2026/03/10/x...

Starmer confirms UK not at war with Iran, just letting someone else start one from our garden The Prime Minister has moved to reassure the British public that the UK is absolutely, definitively, one hundred percent not at war with Iran, despite American bombers leaving for Tehran from a Bri…

NEWS! Starmer confirms UK not at war with Iran, just letting someone else start one from our garden newsthump.com/2026/03/10/s...

6th anniversary of Covid outbreak provides perfect opportunity for conspiracy-minded simpletons to identify themselves As the UK marks the sixth anniversary of the COVID-19 outbreak, and significant portion of the population solemnly reflects on lost loved ones, a much louder, considerably dimmer contingent has sei…

NEWS! 6th anniversary of Covid outbreak provides perfect opportunity for conspiracy-minded simpletons to identify themselves

I have a bad feeling about this. A loving nod to that famously pessimistic line from a certain galaxy far, far away. Perfect whether you’re about to open emails, check the news, or someone says “this meeting won’t take long,” Get it with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/jGLAwKT

Quentin Tarantino begins auditioning feet for West End debut Filmmaker Quentin Tarantino has begun the process of casting feet for his upcoming play on the West End, it has been revealed.

NEWS! Quentin Tarantino begins auditioning feet for West End debut

Canine eugenics tournament hailed as massive success A four-year-old clumber spaniel has won Best In Show at Crufts, the annual tournament for those with a strong interest in the practice of eugenics.

NEWS! Canine eugenics tournament hailed as massive success newsthump.com/2026/03/09/c...

NEPO BABY ALERT!

White smoke rising from Tehran signals they’ve just chosen or just lost a new Supreme Leader A new column of billowing smoke seen in Tehran is believed to signify the end of the selection process for the new Supreme Leader, or possibly just the end of the new Supreme Leader.

NEWS! White smoke rising from Tehran signals they've just chosen or just lost a new Supreme Leader

Nationwide now offering 30-year mortgages for 1st Class Stamps Nationwide Building Society has extended its range of mortgages for postage stamps to 30 years, after Royal Mail’s latest price rises made them unaffordable over the usual 25.

NEWS! Nationwide now offering 30-year mortgages for 1st Class Stamps

That's a terrible idea. I'm in. The perfect tee for that special friend who always says yes to one more pint, one more round, or a last‑minute flight to Amsterdam. Get it with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/lXVeOep

Reform calls for new law to replace International Women’s Day with British Women’s Day Reform UK have demanded that the UK no longer recognise International Women’s Day and should instead celebrate British Women’s Day.

NEWS! Reform calls for new law to replace International Women's Day with British Women's Day

UK strangely reluctant to follow an adjudicated sexual abuser and convicted felon into another illegal war The United Kingdom has reacted with what Washington insiders describe as “deeply unhelpful hesitation” after the United States and Israel began attacking Iran, with Britain apparently unwilling to …

NEWS! UK strangely reluctant to follow an adjudicated sexual abuser and convicted felon into another illegal war newsthump.com/2026/03/08/u...

A dark navy blue t-shirt hanging against a grey wall. On the front is a retro-style illustration of a musical cassette tape with a pencil stuck through one of the winding holes, reminiscent of how tapes could be wound when the tape was accidentally unwound. Underneath in bold which text are the words "How I solved my problems in the 80s"

How I solved my problems in the 80s. It was a much simpler time. Get your throwback T-shirt that will confuse the kids of today and earn a knowing wink from those whose musical education included multiple C90s. Get yours with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/Sbuo3Hi

Scumbag College's finest, courtesy of the always excellent HappyToast! Get yours in a range of colours and with free UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/C6EEoLJ

Confused Trump claims Saddam Hussein building weapons of mass destruction A confused Donald Trump has claimed Saddam Hussein is building weapons of mass destruction, it has been revealed.

NEWS! Confused Trump claims Saddam Hussein building weapons of mass destruction newsthump.com/2026/03/07/c...

Good. Ian Huntley has died, and that’s marvellous.

NEWS! Ian Huntley has died, and that’s marvellous. newsthump.com/2026/03/07/g...

Clacton to build Mar-a-Lago replica in hope of attracting occasional visit from Nigel Farage Residents of Clacton-on-Sea have unveiled ambitious plans to construct a full-scale replica of Mar-a-Lago in a desperate bid to lure their MP, Nigel Farage, back to the constituency for anything ot…

NEWS! Clacton to build Mar-a-Lago replica in hope of attracting occasional visit from Nigel Farage newsthump.com/2026/03/07/c...

Donald Trump sat at his desk in the Oval Office, about 8 people are stood around him with their hands on him.

I can only assume this was the result of a party game where, when the music stops, you all race to touch a paedo?

Shenanigans. Get ready for St Patricks Day with 10% off EVERYTHING and FREE UK shipping all weekend! Use the code: STPATSBIGDAY10 at checkout and get yours here >>> buff.ly/e5BXiAy

“But when is International Iguana’s Day?” asks unbearably tedious iguana It’s International Women’s Day on Sunday. Many people will enjoy the annual celebration, but there are some who feel that dedicating a single day dedicated to women is some sort of affront, includi…

NEWS! “But when is International Iguana’s Day?” asks unbearably tedious iguana newsthump.com/2026/03/06/b...

When I said I’d stop the boats I meant the British Navy, clarifies Starmer The Prime Minister has proudly announced there have been no crossings whatsoever by British sailors ‘in weeks’ today.

NEWS! When I said I'd stop the boats I meant the British Navy, clarifies Starmer newsthump.com/2026/03/06/w...

Barron Trump announced as new Iranian Supreme Leader Barron Trump has been named as Iran’s new Supreme Leader after Donald Trump confirmed he would be involved in selecting the country’s new head of state.

NEWS! Barron Trump announced as new Iranian Supreme Leader newsthump.com/2026/03/06/b...

NewsThump headline from two months ago "Trump administration finally releases Epstein files after redacting all mentions of the ‘Tangerine Grope Machine’"

A headline from The Independent reporting that the Trump administration removed 47k files from the Epstein files released, including those with allegations against Trump.

NewsThump once again predicting the future...

The Spherical Earth Society - founded 300 BC. Get your T-shirt with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/TYUbFDc

Man left paralysed after being crushed under the weight of single perfectly manageable task A man has been left utterly paralysed after being crushed under the immense weight of the single perfectly manageable task he has ahead of him today.

NEWS! Man left paralysed after being crushed under the weight of single perfectly manageable task

Make Orwell Fiction Again. Because we're probably only a few weeks away from the Tangerine Grope Machine insisting we've always been at war with Eurasia... Get yours with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/yjGWSg7

Woman wondering if she ‘might’ own too many cushions Homeowner Sharon Williams has today begun to wonder if the impossible has finally happened, and she now finds herself owning too many cushions.

NEWS! Woman wondering if she 'might' own too many cushions

Man who attacked Iran, bombed Venezuela, uses military on own people and threatened to invade Greenland still wants Nobel Peace Prize A man who recently attacked Iran, bombed Venezuela to capture its president, suggested using the military against his own citizens, and still occasionally threatens to invade Greenland has today co…

NEWS! Man who attacked Iran, bombed Venezuela, uses military on own people and threatened to invade Greenland still wants Nobel Peace Prize