Max Wittert

When I respond, “Wait are you serious??” that’s two-factor authentication

A Goblin Struggles to Tie His Shoes, 25x50, oil stick on paper. As featured in “Honey.” DM for purchasing info.

Wait I’m actually so much like a bat. Love fruit, scream a lot, mostly just hang out at home, me and my friends love going out at night, women hate me traditionally

“Diva down” refers to the soft, fluffy undercoat beneath the diva’s outer layer

I wish it was Greenwich Nice Time. Our world has so much pain in it as it is.

Product drop. Shoe divas assemble! www.maxwittert.com/boutique/

Go watch my new short, “Honey.”

Staff pick at @vimeo.com

tr.ee/x-3FshMxNE

There needs to be a Criterion for music. I need more opportunities to be pretentious.

Sometimes I just turn on the humidifier and the dehumidifier and just let them battle it out

She needs to figure this shjt out I literally cannot do anything more for her

My husband has been at the brutalist for nearly 8 days now. Please, I need your help

I miss when I didn’t know who was a billionaire

I’m sorry but slumber is gay as hell. Sleeping is for women you’re a man wake the fuck up

Recipes don’t work 💗

YES, I am a DEI hire:

Divalicious
Extroverted
Italian

I (sp?) need head

Make it stop. Make it end.

If I were an employee, I would never wash my hands. Just like out of spite

I was betrayed by an udon house today.

Lil outfit I liked

You know your phone knows you when it changes “Moby Dick” to “Nobu dick.”

Donkey Kong needs a Breath of the Wild style treatment

Hey Siri, please present my three lovely daughters, each more beautiful than the last.

- Rachel Cusk

If they want Siri and Alexa to sound more relatable they need to cough at inopportune times and say “sorry one second—“

This morning I shot up out of bed sweating, and had a premonition of The Return of the Cork Wedge #gayguyfashiondiva

Charge me $40 more for an adults-only flight please.

They should make beef milk—like blend the beef with water and strain it into a milk, for those who can’t have dairy, and also want to fucking kill vegans for no reason.

If I could design my own mansion it would have a movie theater in it and the bathrooms in my mansion would basically be line of automatic urinals and two of seven faucets would work and instead of a kitchen there would be a concessions stand and my house would be next to a mall.

Going viral on Bluesky is like

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