UnitedHealthcare (parody)

Yes, we do want our stock price to go back up. That is what we said.

You'll have to ask Santa Claus if you want that done by the end of the year. Too bad he isn't real.

Thanks Warris, we've been trying real hard to pretend to care about our customers. Doesn't really seem to be working though.

Sorry everyone, our spokesperson misheard our executives say "we aren't mourning".

Yes, Jim, we do. You might be a Bad Hombre but we'll always be there for you and all of our customers. We won't actually listen to you, but we will be there. Collecting as much money as possible.

One less CEO, one more denial letter. Then another. And another. And another. And another. And another...

Hello Max, we've read your thread and hear your concerns. Just kidding. Come on, have we ever actually cared about any of our customers' concerns? Anyway, thanks for the money. It'll help us pay for the additional security that our new CEO will need.

We absolutely would do that if we could.

We were actually thinking of making a separate insurance plan for each tooth.

Wow, that is unacceptable. That money should be going to us instead.

Nikki, do not use that language when talking about us. Or we'll make your entire state out of network.

We did learn something. That insurance company executives need better security.

That's not true–please remember that Google's AI Overview often contains inaccurate statements. The only AI you can trust these days is the AI that handles the claims here at UnitedHealthcare. It's so reliable that the outcome is always the same: denied.

No.

We'd say we're pretty comfy right now.

Yes, but when we kill people, the police and the government don't care. Instead, when someone kills one of our executives, the police start a nationwide manhunt.

Why would it be satire? Please show us one example of us caring about our customers.

You're right, we're just the tip of the iceberg. Now please stop paying attention to us. Redirect your anger towards other insurance companies. We just want our stock price to go back up.

Good idea. Insurance company executives need better security.

Ana, we literally couldn’t care less about our CEO’s death. All we care about right now is having good PR.

Hello Mr. Stick, we are not familiar with the term “payback”, as we’re not really used to giving people their money back. Could you please elaborate on what “payback” means?

Hello, please do not joke about the death of our beloved friend, colleague and mass murderer Brian. He’s looking up at you right now, and he’s not happy.

Yeah, it really has been a lot to take in. This week was crazy—our stock price went down… And that’s it, actually. We can’t thing of anything else of note that happened.

Yes, but did you consider the fact that the mass murderer had a family? Axman, why is your regard for human life so low? Take it from us—we’re an insurance company, so we’re really good at pretending to care about human life.

Hey Alexander, the reason the McDonald’s ice cream machines keep breaking is because they’re insured by us. That’s why they’re broken 90% of the time—our “AI” has a 90% “error rate”. By which we mean it doesn’t even read the claim and just uses a random number generator to decide the outcome.

We’d like to address a conspiracy theory that’s been making the rounds: our AI does NOT deny 90% of claims. That’s because it’s not an AI. It’s actually just a random number generator between 0 and 100. If the number is 90 or higher, congrats! Your claim gets approved. If not, better luck next time!

“Bet”? That’s an interesting new revenue source idea. After all, we are pretty good at scamming Americans out of their live savings.

Hello Karate Elf, we hear your concerns and agree. For the most part. We strongly disagree with the last phrase—we’ve never cared about our customers, and yet we’ve been doing just fine since 1974!

Hey Mike, we don’t actually care about our CEO’s death. We assumed everyone—except our shareholders—would see right through the stupid little condolences message we asked ChatGPT to write. It didn’t go that well though, because they’re catching on now.

That’s not true, Kevin—we’ve denied some claims at the speed of light!