Evan J’Daté Kessler

A lot of times when non-comedians tell me jokes, it’s just racism. Also, a lot of times when comedians tell me jokes, it’s just racism.

Is Brooklyn Dad no longer "DEFIANT" or did he move to Croton-On-Hudson or someplace like that?

Crazy that we fight wars when we can just threaten our enemies with performances by really enthusiastic improv teams, if they don’t give us what we want.

They’re not gonna drone strike Hollywood. People would hardly notice.

Wonder what happened to all the dudes who played with devil sticks.

Can’t we just get a drone strike that somehow makes the sign say “Hollyweed” again?

The best economic system is the one where your friends help you move and you buy them all pizza afterwards.

The person I call the most for advice called me for advice today. We are all so fucked.

I think the main reason Team USA is losing to Italy in the WBC right now is they had the realization that one of the perks of winning is getting to eat McDonald’s with an old man who shits his pants.

The only thing I would ever really consider using AI for is parallel parking, but if it was destroying the planet I’d be pretty ok without it.

COULD YOU MAKE GOOD WRITING BY STEALING GOOD WRITING AND JUST SAYING YOU WROTE IT? GOOD. LET'S SPEND $4 BILLION ON THIS AS AN INDUSTRY.

Trying to focus on all the small bad things instead of all the larger bad things for just one day. Really easing myself into the week.

I hear Trumpy Bear is seeking the democratic presidential nomination in 2028.

I don’t know, kinda seems like indiscriminately bombing other human beings is not making anyone’s life better.

A street sign that says, “Free Clown Show 1pm.” It is very clearly not near the White House.

WAS THIS TAKEN A BLOCK FROM THE WHITE HOUSE OR WHAT?!?!?!

Saw a car with a “Life’s a Beach” bumper sticker, so I told the driver he needed to check his privilege.

Trying to watch the World Baseball Classic, but the US being the aggressor in a full on war, largely against civilians, is really putting a damper on any inkling of sports-based nationalism I might feel.

Doesn’t really help if we’re destroying the other teams. Who’s gonna stand up to these guys?

I only wrote this because I thought it might be fun to buy MLB the Show 26 and make my dad who died when I was 12 into a player. Unfortunately, I don’t own a gaming console.

Gonna remake Field of Dreams, but this time it’s about a kid who buys MLB the Show and makes his dead dad a player in the game and plays him in career mode for as many seasons as years he’s been gone.

Crazy how many people in our military are just imagining god giving them a big ol' thumbs up right now. Absolutely insane stuff.

Just screamed into my pillow so I didn't have to walk to my car.

I feel like we're a week away from Pete Hegseth announcing the launch of his new war podcast.

The only way to stop this is by pretending the economy is good and throwing all of our money at large corporations! WE LOVE OUR CEOs!!!

We’ve been forced to say “unalived” and “seggs,” but anyone with an account can start their post with “BREAKING.”

Would be crazy if before Isaac Newton everyone was just floating around.

Everyone in our Department of War would rather masturbate to rising death tolls than try to minimize casualties.

I’m sure there’s a poorly thought out socio-political justification for why we’re bombing Ecuador now, but, at this point, it really seems like the Department of War is just throwing darts at a map or spinning a globe and seeing where their finger lands.

If we’re bombing Ecuador now, I might as well take the Kalshi odds that we’re going to blow up the moon by the end of next week.

Feels like a war to bring about armageddon would be bad for the economy.

Crazy how so many aspects of day-to-day existence in the United States are just churning along.