"Free Time isn’t just a new product—it’s a total wellness optimization platform. It’s not an app but rather a mind-blowing vessel of unstructured time where you can do anything your heart desires, or nothing at all."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
this is what reading the news feels like all the fucking time.
"I draw inspiration from those who came before me in the fight against tyranny when I say, 'Give me liberty or give me the chill life of an expat in a foreign city that has a similar climate to San Francisco.'"
This guy is a scream!
Thank you, Greg Tannen!
“With Sepharax and His Abyssal Viziers pledging the Blood Reign will last “until we have unmade the souls of countless generations yet unborn,” expect this upward price pressure to stick around well into the holiday travel season.”
“Totally tangerine”
You’re a cool girl. Much easier to peel than a normal orange. You’re just going with the flow, even if that flow is laughing politely at a man’s joke about how much he hates you.
"It’s nice when people check on me, given how worried I am about the situation... It’s especially gratifying when they tell me how brave I am to be enduring this war with my forward-looking attitude and my [GORILLA MINDSET / SIGMA LOOKSMAXXING APPROACH / TOXIC POSITIVITY]."
Pan-Denialism
Climato-Psychoticism
Post-Civilizationism
Hieronymus Boschism
Heat Exhaustionism
Indoorism
Undergroundism
Depressionism
Postdepressionism
Abstract Depressionism
Regrettism
"The assembly line of the twentieth century didn’t exactly stall because people worried about human life. That’s on you, humans."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ai-...
"Some will say that a 47-year-old threat doesn’t sound so imminent and that I don’t know what the word even means, and don’t really understand how language works. To them I say: photosynthesis. Followed by: This is not the time for linguistic nitpicking."
"I’ve been to the crossroads. I’ve been down to Georgia. I’ve signed agreements with legions of lawyers, living, as I do, in the details, and ended up with the souls of everyone except Daniel Webster, that prig-tastic blowhole. But Donald Trump? Not worth it."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/why...
"I turned and saw before me a vision: a lady of surpassing beauty. I will describe her now exactly. She was a young lady. Her dress was silver. Her mask, which was also silver, concealed parts of her face. I was drawn to her, like a footman to a barouche box."
May or may not have spiraled out over the weekend about how pointless death and destruction breaks through primarily because a Honda CRV gets $12 more expensive gas up.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wha...
"While you’re in a full body cast recovering from the many breaks and fractures, it’s time to revisit that face. You can’t mog with the mug your mother gave you. Let’s address the elephant in the room: You need a rhinoplasty."
"It's time for irresolute action amid crystal-clear confusion in the Middle East. We must come together as a united nation of 50 semi-independent states and respond to the plainly dubious danger with levelheaded panic and rain hellfire from the sky in the name of peace."
"He’s just one guy. One freaking guy. You have got to stop coming here, day after day, screaming into me about him. Especially using that many curse words. I think we can both admit at this point that the screaming isn’t working. The screaming isn’t making you feel any better."
Email from someone telling me to "Fuck off" after I rejected their submissions.
Well, at least take heart that your reply is the closest your writing has ever been to Larry David's. #WelcomeToTheJerkFolder
Do you have lines anywhere on your face or body, including your T-shirt?
A. Bitch, this is a romper.
B. Yes, I have laughed at various points in my life.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/qui...
"The Foreskin Tactical Hoodie can cause spontaneous pregnancy—and pregnant women who wear one may become double-pregnant. That is a real scientific condition; we did not just make it up to scare you. Ask ChatGPT."
"Never did I imagine that my [HOLIDAY / EXOTIC FOOD CRAWL / COMPED STAY IN THIS SIX-STAR HOTEL & SPA] would be interrupted by a war whose geopolitical consequences would be so unfathomable, and whose timing would be so inconvenient to me personally."
"I’ve finally arrived at a place of radical acceptance. I accept that I will be passed over, that I will sit untouched for hours, that someone will choose a lemon-lime option over me without a second thought."
I somehow watched the whole season and this is all I have to say about it, really.
McSweeney hits the nail on the head again! 😂
Just one of many creative ideas proposed to recruit students to History classes: Feed instructor with lowest student evaluations to lions in Roman-style
spectacle that brings history to life! 🦁
“Some scientists are saying that you can take bleach and inject it right into the economy. You can also hit it with a tremendous ultraviolet or very powerful light. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
"Unfortunately, the appearance of armies of the dead, awakened to wage indiscriminate war on all humankind, could potentially push gasoline beyond $3.50 per gallon."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wha...
"To be a Woman, you’ll have to spend 97 percent of your mental and emotional energy making yourself small enough to not be a burden."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/now...
"He’s just one guy. One freaking guy. You have got to stop coming here, day after day, screaming into me about him. Especially using that many curse words. I think we can both admit at this point that the screaming isn’t working. The screaming isn’t making you feel any better."
21. McSqueegy-McQueeg
22. Reticulated Thong Snatcher
23. Very Normal Bird #86
🦉🦅🦆
This is quite possibly the most gender-affirming thing I have ever read 😂
"I’ve been to the crossroads. I’ve been down to Georgia. I’ve signed agreements with legions of lawyers, living, as I do, in the details, and ended up with the souls of everyone except Daniel Webster, that prig-tastic blowhole. But Donald Trump? Not worth it."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/why...
