i have a theory that when you’re born you are allotted a random, finite number of “awake” minutes for your entire life and when you use them up you die. this thought keeps me up at night which is highly counterproductive
today’s affirmation: I am within the acceptable range of deviation. I am a perfectly roasted quail. if I was a car the mechanics would find nothing weird or rodent related in my air filter. I am upright. There are no stones or excess debris in my shoes. I still have all my bones.
[enjoying a pleasant summer’s eve on the porch]
ME: this douche is delicious
my body IS a wonderland I quietly say to myself after taking two sips of soda and feeling my kidneys turn it into five gallons of piss
Mr. Pibb dressing up as Dr Pepper for Halloween
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Started calling the middle of a loaf of bread “the king’s bread” and saying things like “a cheddar this fine demands the king’s bread!”
This is just one of the many ways I have scraped joy out of a cold and unaccountable universe.
*sarcastically answering a question in front of my grandma*
does a bear politely use the restroom in the woods?!
One of my all time favorites
bsky.app/profile/shor...
In Sixteen Candles when Molly Ringwald says "me?" and looks around, except me when I'm at a four-way stop sign and the other cars are all like "Yeah you"
That sucks and sorry to hear it
date: keeping an orca in a tank is torture
me: [nodding] absolutely…the most difficult thing I’ve ever tried to do
Call me “boss” once and I’ll refer to you as Executive Director of the Board of Governors the rest of your life, don’t dare try to finagle a direct report to me sir
[hitting rock bottom]
good game Dwayne
At Jonestown, 906 cultists died of drinking poisoned Kool-Aid, as well as the first officer on the scene, Jeff "Don't Mind If I Do" Ramirez.
My elbow grease machine broke but i can probably get it working with a little elbow-my god oh no
Howdy like dem apples
four to five, possibly as many as seventeen, tortilla chips that are folded over and intertwined with each other. the chip structure is resting on a small serving bowl of salsa at a local chain called Hacienda. Hacienda serves Mexican food that has been modified to be palatable for the good folks here in Indiana.
reflecting back to one of the greatest “chips” i’ve ever eaten. a guy died two booths over when i crunched it
JUST PLAY CHVRCHES ALEXA WHY IS THIS SO HARD
I can’t remember where I read this, but it’s important:
Why is it that when people think about traveling to the past, they worry about doing something small that will drastically change the present, but no one in the present thinks that doing something small today can drastically change the future?
"Your outtie posts nearly humorous things on social media to the delight of several."
“Your outie is a real piece of shit but you didn’t hear that from me”
Left my phone in the refrigerator again so when you see this I’m trying to figure out who or what sent this post
Kendrick Lamar just told everyone in our book club I was wearing these pants yesterday.
Monsieur Arthur if you’re nasty
the tuba player in this symphony orchestra (yeah, I’m super cultured) just sat here for two hours to go “deep toot, deep toot, deep toooooot” like five times
