Patsnotatweetin

why is turducken acceptable but my pigcowlamb is "an affront to humanity" and "how did you get the cow in the pig"

On a scale of a "Elon Musk'e PR guy" to the "guy who marks the tablespoons on butter", how laid back are you?

Being short at any concert.

/ ᴵ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃⁿʸᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ
(-_-)_-)_(-_(-_-)

A quirky wooden sign with a chef who appears to be cross eyed with the caption Good Food

ah shit my ratatouille was a lab retread

a muscle car with an arizona license plate of "ICYSCAT"

when canadians go poop

on a scale of lotr the two towers and 9/11 the two towers how depraved is your meme library

date: can you take off your work gloves

Jim Henson: they have names

friend: Our basement just flooded, we have to cancel game night.

me: *covering phone* that’s a bit extreme

genie: Two wishes left.

At Jonestown, 906 cultists died of drinking poisoned Kool-Aid, as well as the first officer on the scene, Jeff "Don't Mind If I Do" Ramirez.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

cop: you have no idea how he came or went? what 𝙙𝙤 you remember?

me: the eyes

cop: the eyes?

me: the C̶̤̞̰͈͔̊͒̽̓́o̸̗̤̍tt̵̨͎̞̹̭̣ö̷̗̗̫͙̙͔̙͍n̵̽̀̈́͑̔ ̴̠̹͇͖͈͉͋̎ĕ̷̛̱̙̫̪͙̐y̵̧̱̍̇̑̕̚͝e̴̅̇͛̓̃͊̔s̷͚̰̙͐̓̇̔

That's all tech now. Google Maps? Who needs to know the city? Macs and their "everything must hide". Basically all SaaS. They're run by "businessmen" who forget that having customers is the best business

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

BOSS: is your makeup tattooed on?

ME: yeah it's exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Happy radderday

The origin is a lil village of idiots called "Facebook"

The Dallas cowboys resigned Dak Prescott.
The Dallas cowboys coach resigned after Dak was extended

a dead giveaway that someone is lying is if they're in a horizontal position on the floor

team builder: everyone say a fun fact about themselves

guy with three arms, a horn, and a mermaid tail: im from new york

it's crazy that discussing sex is still considered taboo when dozens if not hundreds of people have done it

Futons should be called ace sized bed the way they're both smaller and bigger than a twin

Some component in the subway that looks like an AT-AT from star wars

Wtf. Was walking my baby AT-AT and someone's Medusa just attacked it. Leash your creatures folks

#leopardsEatingFaces2025

it's american citizenship, Michael. what could it cost? $5 million?

"ow" - guy, 8 seconds post boomerang creation

"fuck this croissant" - guy, 30 seconds before inventing the boomerang

[beauty and the beast]

maid: why the hell was I turned to a feather duster cause the prince sucks?! this is some bullshit

plumber: I don't wanna hear it

that guy who nobody knows what he does: ♟️

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I'll do it.

A picture of a food label called "dry salami nuggets"

don corleone : we have known each other many years, but this is the first time you've come to me for counsel or for help. but let's be frank here. you never wanted my friendship. and you feared to be in my debt.

me: please I just want a new nickname