Chris Jones

They should only call it a fashion show catwalk if the models wander out, sit down, lick their own arse, complain they haven't been fed and demand you open the door for them.

Meta glasses should only be permitted in specific, readily-identifiable styles.

You're right, I should have specified - never show Jude to a water buffalo. You're asking for trouble.

Water buffalo. You simply entice them out of the shop with Thomas Hardy novels. Particularly the Mayor of Casterbridge. They can't get enough of that shit.

My God, it's worse than we thought

Wear them all. It's too expensive to heat the house.

Excited to be #193 in the British Airways chat queue. This is better than Glasto

I've no issue with the council providing my neighbour with a dedicated disabled parking bay.

But how do you have a bay that's twice the size of your car, and *still* not manage to fit inside it?

Honestly I'm most surprised by the sparkling water. It's important to stay hydrated.

The British Airways website really doesn't want you to know that multi-city bookings are possible

Actually, it's good. Worth breaking policy.

Should I break my policy of refusing to read anything about Farage for this?

And in the 2002 war game simulation of a US/Iran war, closing the Strait was one of the core strategies of the Iran team.

(In the simulation, Iran won, and the exercise had to be restarted with new rules to ensure US success)

£1.80 from April, if you can believe it

About 30-odd years ago, I bought vast quantities of first class stamps at about 25p each. These finally ran out last week and I have just bought some new ones.

I need a lie down.

In Sri Lanka, we were told the levels were (in increasing hotness) "International", "Medium" and "Normal"

"Copper... Very important, no-one even heard of it until recently. To make it they use a thing which I'm going to call smelting. Beautiful word. I make the best words. I'm actually a metals expert, did you know that?"

Just off the phone to my Dad, who's smug, as he had his domestic oil tank filled just before the price doubled.

You can buy ETPs that directly track prices, eg WisdomTree Brent Crude, or trade crude oil CFDs/spread bets with some brokers

Or ETFs that hold oil producers

Yes, although I'd add a wrinkle: in your mind, your pay rise is thanks to your talent and hard work, while your expensive steak is due to evil corporate price-gouging

Keep the sign, change the pic

I'm as atheist as anyone, and I've always firmly believed that Jesus was a real person.

For a few minutes there, I thought Mary Berry was doing the Oscars

Before you criticise Marco Rubio, walk a mile in his shoes. They might fit you better.

I'd need to see the party constitution, detailed policy platform, full accounts, all the small print. Devil's in the detail.

I'm not convinced by the Tories' new campaign: "Don't put a bunny on the money"

We could cut down on this stuff if we issued three-match bans after post-match video review

Just once I'd like to see a G-7 statement like "G-7 NOT REALLY BOTHERED ABOUT ENERGY MARKET, WE'RE JUST KICKING BACK REALLY"