lvl 3 wife

this will also turn you into someone who cannot pass any standardized college entrance exam. you have to have a vocabulary above 7th grade level.

couldn't tell her shit because she was a nurse and would show up at the ER with her own EKGs. she worked at the hospital and they had just learned to expect her to show up for her holiday visit for a lil shock and observation time. it was almost a routine

thinking about how my first mother-in-law was a nice lady but one of the most tightly wound people I ever met. she had afib and almost every holiday season she would stress herself about making everything perfect for her sons to come home so hard she'd have to go to the hospital for cardioversion

spaghetti baseball

getting beaten by the Italians at baseball has to be one of the most culturally embarrassing events in our relationship since that time they started making better westerns than Hollywood

but for some reason it's frowned upon if I have a little breakdown and have to restart occasionally

*paused with hand stuck into 5lb bag of traditional jolly ranchers* say more?

ohh no I'm the kind of tired that's giving me the twitchy eyelid, my coworkers may be able to accurately gauge my mental state

lol they saw that poll where they are fighting with Iran for Least Popular Thing Right Now

it is green, you are prepared for St. Patrick's day

An orange cat sitting in a very weird position in a windowsill; he is folded almost like a fortune cookie and is bent forward licking one leg while a back leg sticks up into the air, while his tail dangles down.

unlike Timothée Chalamet, Bean appreciates the grace and beauty of ballet, he is just not very good at it

that is fortunate, for what tongue shall smooth thy name when I, thy four-weeks wife, have mangled it?

*considering the ramifications of blocking my four weeks' husband on social media*

it's worse than "groovitronic"

your wife does not approve of this

hope someone prints it out for Chuck Schumer to read

A screenshot of a text from my mom which reads: "A chicken just walked into my [house emoji] I guess I shouldn't leave the door open anymore." above a photo of a speckled chicken on a wood laminate floor near a recliner

checking my phone at lunch to see texts from my mom

An orange cat sits loaf style in an ivory bathroom sink looking up warily at the camera

The orange cat is now sitting up with his front paws on the rim of the sink and looking stern, as if to define the boundary of the magic circle within which I am not allowed to annoy him

prepared to defend his sink

I can do my job when I feel like I know what it is

hell yeah I finished the document. hell yeah I told a director I wasn't gonna change it. hell yeah I managed expectations for my stakeholder and scheduled a follow up like a real boy

ngl it does make me feel a little better that I am not the only person to be incredibly nervous about interviews regardless of which side of the desk I am on. I had to be on some panels for my old team and I would sweat through my clothes asking the questions

I am a regular guy. I can take a shower. I am a regular guy. I can send an email. I am a regular guy. I can finish the document. I am a regular guy. I can

A striking sunset; a low blanket of gray clouds is painted with glowing orange, peach, and yellow, with the silhouette of a large bare tree on the right side of the frame

okay have to admit that yes it was worth putting something over my pajamas and going down to see this

I’m starting the half-marathon training and need to pick up a new pair of running shoes. I’d really like to support a local running store rather than ordering online.

Looking recommendations for great local running shops and would love to hear your favorites! Drop them below ⬇️

please I just want to go be a lil ditto gardening and terraforming and making friends

this day has been just such an absolute clusterfuck of a Friday and it just will not end

fish doorbell fish doorbell fish doorbell FISH DOORBELL FISH DOORBELL🐟🛎️

this is what I would do if I saw either of my ex husbands tbh

not to be outdone by ai, we have invented the car that doesn't car

I'm sure a senator totally unnecessarily severely breaking a uniformed veteran's arm and being commended for it is great for the morale of the folks conducting the current operations, especially on the heels of being told their goal is to ignite Christian armageddon