Being in your early 40s means saving dozens of Tiktoks describing exactly how to fix your neck pain but that you will die, already stiff as a board before rigor mortis sets in, having never tried once.
I've finally learned to answer invitations honestly
We should rename full size beds "Short Kings."
Freddie Mercury: πΆ FAT-BOTTOMED GIRLS YOU MAKE THE ROCKIN' WORLD GO 'ROUND πΆ
Neil DeGrasse Tyson: ACTuallyβ
When life hands you Jesse Plemons, make Jesse Plemonade
Peter Pan is an incel
Every time "Death Of A Clown" comes on, I think of how every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. But it's the universe announcing that Trump died.
"Chemical Tribe," Jerry Cantrell, ππ¦π¨π³π’π₯π’π΅πͺπ°π― ππ³πͺπ±
open.spotify.com/track/0sob1F...
Someone wrote, "Had a shit day, this helped" on her receipt and, babydoll, that's why this bar is open
End congressional elections. We're going jury duty on the whole thing.
1. Congressmen/women get their salary for their entire life.
2. Studies have proven that random people are, on balance, better at legislating
3. If it's random, no one can skirt campaign finance reforms.
I Smell A Thing Called Glove
Punxsutawney Phil is a low-stakes hackβif I run into an ex during the month of March, that means 400 more years of darkness before Jesus returns
Every full moon is a Blood Moon if you're bleeding from your eyes
They're actually called the Epstain Files.
I don't want to be controversial, but if the United States can assassinate a foreign leader overnight, it should be able to care for someone with cancer immediately
Dash Cam For Cutie
Oh, inside you there are two wolves? Must be nice in this housing market
Cuomo just announced that anyone who saw The Get Up Kids on their first farewell tour can now get the COVID vaccine
@harvilla.bsky.social I just referred to Norman Greenbaum to one of my regulars as "Temu Rex." Please advise.
Did you know that most women have fathers? Sometimes they have like two! It's fucking insane. Even before my father died, no woman ever had to meet him. Because he didn't know about me until I was 30. That's being an ally.
I am so tired of meeting parents. You may be wishing for the sunsetting of Boomers to save the environment or fix systemic racism or end stage four capitalism, but man, I just cannot meet another girl's father.
Darmok and Jalad on the island
Shaka when the files dropped
This Is Us is like allspice for emotions.
*spotting a Solo cup with the letters JC written in Sharpie*
Me: That's the cup of a carpenter.
Darmok... and Jalad... at Mar-a-lago
Bosnia & Herzdonut
Trump is obsessed with tariffs the way I was obsessed with dinosaurs when I was 7. Except I didn't run Jurassic Park.
"Modern Love," Peter Gabriel, 1
open.spotify.com/track/1YK29h...
If I had a dating profile, it would read, "Looking for Gretchen from You're The Worst or Fanny from A Good Year. Nothing in between."
