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John-Paul

@jpkeates.com

A dyslexic genius with a brian the size of a planet. Retired. British male; socially awkward. Profile Image - A bearded man in a room looks into the camera. He has a face best suited to a text description.

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13.11.2023
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Latest posts by John-Paul @jpkeates.com

The most popular president was John F Candy.

#LunchPun

12.03.2026 12:01 πŸ‘ 3 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 1 πŸ“Œ 0

The problem with America is that it voted in a president who thinks the best solution to the Trolley Problem is more trolleys.

11.03.2026 17:12 πŸ‘ 0 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

I blame the same person who spelt it Cyclops.

11.03.2026 15:54 πŸ‘ 1 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

Weird that there is not a single i in monocle

10.03.2026 23:35 πŸ‘ 59 πŸ” 19 πŸ’¬ 6 πŸ“Œ 0

Not saying my wife was naive, but she thought lesbians were french baths.

#LunchPun

11.03.2026 12:01 πŸ‘ 7 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

I always remember the advice my grandfather gave me: if you attribute any old bollocks to an elderly relative, people will read it.

10.03.2026 18:19 πŸ‘ 3 πŸ” 1 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

I think springtime is making the wife frisky; the outer cardigan has been loosened.

10.03.2026 17:31 πŸ‘ 0 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

As a head teacher, you have to be very careful about stuff like that.

10.03.2026 17:06 πŸ‘ 1 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

Bear's sons shit in wood.

10.03.2026 16:02 πŸ‘ 2 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

It's only a "crafty" wank if you do it by hand at home.

10.03.2026 15:55 πŸ‘ 1 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 1 πŸ“Œ 0
Screwing Up Windows 2000 Solitaire
Screwing Up Windows 2000 Solitaire YouTube video by Nir Lichtman

www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dzV...

10.03.2026 14:06 πŸ‘ 0 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

How come there’s never been a famous artist called Drew?

10.03.2026 13:37 πŸ‘ 2 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

A new animated musical where a Korean football team kick the crap out of evil spirits.

KPop Norman Hunters

10.03.2026 12:31 πŸ‘ 2 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

When my wife cooks, I eat like a king. Every mouthful might be poison.

10.03.2026 12:27 πŸ‘ 1 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

You should see the ones I don't post!

10.03.2026 12:24 πŸ‘ 1 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

It's a pun on English slang. A bin man is someone who collects the garbage each week. In the north of the country been is sometimes pronounced bin. "I've bin out", "he's bin seen!". So been man.

10.03.2026 12:18 πŸ‘ 0 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 1 πŸ“Œ 0

"It was the last thing my mother said to me". Me, explaining my "Don't switch that off" tattoo.

10.03.2026 12:01 πŸ‘ 1 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

She invited me to a local "pub cum restaurant". Never been so disappointed.

#LunchPun

10.03.2026 12:00 πŸ‘ 2 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Bin Man - A post-operative trans woman in Yorkshire.

10.03.2026 11:59 πŸ‘ 4 πŸ” 1 πŸ’¬ 1 πŸ“Œ 0

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Loss Leaders - The Spanish Government.

10.03.2026 11:52 πŸ‘ 3 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Latex-My former partner is deceased

10.03.2026 10:09 πŸ‘ 7 πŸ” 1 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

A surprising number of people still think that F. Scott Fitgerald was the author’s name and not a chant created by his critics.

10.03.2026 04:55 πŸ‘ 1 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

Torpedos are just pedophiles on the dark web.

#LunchPun

09.03.2026 12:01 πŸ‘ 5 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary LEGROOM: A Frenchman on his wedding day.

09.03.2026 07:05 πŸ‘ 18 πŸ” 2 πŸ’¬ 2 πŸ“Œ 0

who called it horse shit when whinny the poo was right there

07.03.2026 07:00 πŸ‘ 130 πŸ” 49 πŸ’¬ 4 πŸ“Œ 0

Couldn't we crowdfund to pay John Davidson a life-changing amount of money to follow Boris Johnson around for the rest of his life?

07.03.2026 13:40 πŸ‘ 1 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 1 πŸ“Œ 0

Most massively optimistic estimates:

Fry onions until soft and "caramelised"
Hot air clothes drier
Oven chip cooking times
Wife minutes until ready
Victory in a new Western Asian war

07.03.2026 12:11 πŸ‘ 1 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

"You were bitten by a radio-active camera?" My last words as a TV studio manager.

06.03.2026 19:17 πŸ‘ 1 πŸ” 1 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary SNUFFBOX: A coffin.

06.03.2026 07:08 πŸ‘ 10 πŸ” 3 πŸ’¬ 2 πŸ“Œ 0

The shop it's parked in front of is having some kind of orgasm.

06.03.2026 15:55 πŸ‘ 0 πŸ” 0 πŸ’¬ 0 πŸ“Œ 0