Lori

I fear I may be suffering from restless mind syndrome.

The special souls who help you make sense of it all. Whether in your arms or in your heart, keep them close.

When I was young and single, I used to buy all my snowstorm supplies at the local liquor store.

Why just think about it, when you can overthink about it.

One day I'll probably look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.

I only go where people like me . . . that's why I'm home most of the time.

As I get older I've come to realize there is no position I can be in without some part of my body falling asleep.

If we were to bring back dueling, we would have a lot less offended people.

I'm almost wishing for an alien invasion. We could use some good news.

The deepest conversations I've had in life have been with myself.

People that say no to a third slice of pizza

1. Why would you?
2. How could you?

Was on the verge of a total meltdown, but found the missing sock just in the nick of time.

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?

Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

This day in history. 2002. US president George W Bush described Iraq, Iran, and North Korea as an “axis of evil”. Also on this day George W Bush learned that Iraq and Iran are not the same country then forgot that immediately.

Woke up in 2026 and I'm not one of those cute little round frogs with the butt cheeks.

Lame.

Resolutions are bs.

Starting today I'm replying to any belligerence by saying your sense of humor eludes me.

It takes me a long time to get going in the morning or at anytime anymore actually, you know what, take this however I'm implying. I'll just be over here not moving.

I'd rather be talking about the mysteries of the universe than thinking about the stupidity of this world.

Last time I got my toes done for a man it didn't work out

Don ye finest codpieces gents! Tonight we make merry!

Everyone get ready, we’re going for breakfast is an underrated joy inducing sentence.

Picked up a package from the porch for my daughter and it was labeled “For Your Eyes Only”. I thought why would you ask your mother to collect your sex toys? So relieved to find out it was contacts.

Please, southern man, continue to give me, a Wisconsin farm girl, tips on how to drive in your snow down here because..checks notes..your snow is different than northern snow.

It’s not reaching the destination, it’s the journey but I don’t like which destination this journey is pointing to.

Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that's for sure

ask not what hamburger helper can do for you, ask what you can do for hamburger helper

Kissing you all good night but not on the mouth.

I need a vacation. Off planet.

I wonder if that button stands for go live or go live? Either way, I'm never pushing that button.